In the Meantime…

In the meantime, he continues his downward spiral and the world pretends that up is down.

In the meantime, I am stagnate because he makes demands and endless calls that I am far to weak to resist.

This is supposed to be my time to find myself, insert midlife crisis cliche here. I haven’t s clue what the next phase of my life holds and I need to figure it out before I can imagine reuniting with him. 

He does not understand my needs, his family may but they simply do not care. I am not their main concern, they care but he is theirs, I am learning to be just me.

In the meantime…

Is this what Almost Over feels like?

He comes over and I chatter away nonstop 

He makes himself comfortable and the dogs greet him with a luxury of kisses

I suggest dinner and a movie, as we had planned but he says that he is not hungry but that I should order

He mentions money, that he needs to watch his – I do not need to watch mine. I attempt to diffuse any concern but can hear the wind steal my words.

He smokes in the bathroom, the “allowed spot” as it is raining outside. He spends too much time up and down between the sofa and the bathroom.

We have good conversation. Meaningful positive talk about family and emotions but remain distant. 

Distant both physically and emotionally.

I order in dinner and he spoons out some peanut butter. The dogs begin to eat and I believe that things are calm.

Before my food can arrive he requests that I call an Uber car for him to go back to his parent’s house. 

I ask that he please wait for my food to arrive, that he need not sit with me, and he begrudgedly agrees.

I smile and order his car, pretending that there is no problem. 

He tells me:

• that he is worried about his father’s health.

• that he is worried about his health

• that he is afraid that if he stays any longer he will screw things up

Then he tells me how he’s certain that I will hold this against him later; I smile (holding back my true feelings) and tell him that everything is fine.

I wonder what he thinks…

Are we married for convenience? 

A failsafe for when his parents pass away? 

Does he even feel anything romantic towards me? 

Is this what ALMOST OVER feels like? 

When neither of us has the nerve to say: “Let’s be best friends?“.

Foolish Girl

The foolish girl believed that they were family. She felt comfortable enough to consider the woman her mother. What a childish notion.

She turned her back and when things became difficult the woman turned on her. The words were no longer soft and caring, rather they had sharp edges that cut at the girl’s bruised heart. Nobody was who they appeared to be; they never were at all.

Wait until his illness flairs up and they see what I’ve been dealing with for the past twenty years. Will they call me? Now that they’ve dismissed me, do I counter by walking away from helping them? Do I turn on them as they’ve turned on me?

Or, sit at home and feel the pain?

Here It Comes…

Here it comes…

I can feel it in my bones as the chill of anxiety builds. There are no correct answers no matter my response. His reaction cannot be measured or guessed, certainly not by me.

Here it comes…

Back at home he will find the walls closing in on him and his mood will change with the wind. The clocks will cease, leaving me to stare at their frozen hands and begging them to nudge. His words may be bitter or paranoid or accusatory.

Here it comes…

Nothing can stop the inevitable.

Returned

He bought me an expensive necklace weeks after my birthday while manic. 

Today I asked him to return it despite the 6% fee. 

It was beautiful and under other circumstances I would have cried with joy upon receiving the diamond necklace; but I am not there right now.

I am not the person who gets that gift from her husband because he is not that husband. 

As I said,

He purchased it a few nights ago during a manic phase. It was never truly meant for me. 

And now I sit in the waiting room of his psychiatrist’s office…

Exhausted and wishing I was at home with my sweet dogs. 

Returned home.

Inside Outside

My life has been turned inside out and I have allowed it. 

There is nobody to blame except me for this messy life. 

Me, the ultimate planner, did not account for the future. 

Foolishly, I had an image inside outside which would cripple my resolve. 

Now what? 

I’m on hold inside outside of myself until I can get him to budge. 

Or

I plan, research and find a way to save myself and my dogs from being eternally inside outside.

“Sweet freedom whispered in my ear, you’re a butterfly – and butterflies are free to fly. Fly away, fly…” – Elton John

Morning After

Granted, I woke up tired and could use another two hours of sleep. 

The world did not end. 

People showed themselves, as they always do when things are dark. I was gifted with lights from more than one candle. 

What does today hold? 

A friend is visiting and I don’t know if I will confide that I needed to “Save Myself“. 

Why? Because she’s no idea how far I’ve fallen from my true self.

He will call, more than once. He will attempt to convince me to change my mind. He will not, cannot, break my resolve. 

All of these words sound strong and resilient in the early morning. 

I ask my angels for strength.

Save Yourself

Today I listened to the wind as it screamed “Save Yourself” and so I took an apprehensive step forward. Instead of spending another day seeped in regret and pain, I drove him to his parent’s house and didn’t look back.

Of course things are never as simple as they sound, he’s called too many times and doesn’t believe my thick line in the sand.

“Get well or you cannot come home, this takes time so do not fool yourself into believing that you will return quickly”. 

Words that fall on ears that cannot hear over those of the paranoid and delusional voices. Simple statements that must be law. 

I’ve let go of the rope that has tied me too tightly and for too long. My future is no longer entwined with a noose. 

“Save Yourself”

So-Called Love

This so-called love is a lie, choking the both of us and it is a circle without a break 

His paranoia and false reality are engulfing the entire house – no longer a home – in a fog of darkness

Reaching out is futile because nobody else has chosen this life, the others are family out of the line of fire

So-called love has betrayed me more times than I can say

I must seek self-preservation for me and my dogs; my future and my present

Freedom

Words

All of the words, the work and the stress involved in remaining in this marriage are bullshit. He is never going to get well and I am never going to have the guts to end the insanity.

I’ve adopted two dogs, they are my CPR. They have breathed life back into this empty soul. 

My twin hounds are going to save me from this enormous anchor called my marriage.
Otherwise, I’ve got no more words to share with the abyss of this blog.