Wasted Wishes 

Wasted wishes fall on deaf ears, there is nothing that can be done about his demons and I am hostage. 

Wasted wishes keep me awake at night and fill my growing body with unnecessary calories. Feed a broken soul.

Wasted wishes leave me alone with the exception of my loving dogs and I thank heaven for their love.

Wasted wishes are anxiety, panic and fear. 

Wasted wishes are life wasted.

Safety, I Scream

Each night the demons return, they scream and grip at my throat

Daylight, they hide in my head and heart. My body has become their cocoon.

I’ve done nothing so terrible to deserve this existence 

Spending each day repenting for sins others have committed leaves me exhausted

Bottles of different colored remedies do little for they cannot control my external life. 

Safety, I scream!

Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

Fear

I live in fear of everything and it is no way to live. Is it living, or surviving? 

Today I say the words: 

“I will NOT live in fear!”

Pray the feeling lasts longer than breakfast 

Insert Charlie Brown reference here as he sits before Lucy

Fear, please set me free

In the Meantime…

In the meantime, he continues his downward spiral and the world pretends that up is down.

In the meantime, I am stagnate because he makes demands and endless calls that I am far to weak to resist.

This is supposed to be my time to find myself, insert midlife crisis cliche here. I haven’t s clue what the next phase of my life holds and I need to figure it out before I can imagine reuniting with him. 

He does not understand my needs, his family may but they simply do not care. I am not their main concern, they care but he is theirs, I am learning to be just me.

In the meantime…

Showing Yourselves

The time has come and you are showing yourselves. You are two-faced, mean and ugly. 

I have been fooled by the magical illusion of a “family” that I would never truly be a member.

It is amazing how quickly you all have turned your backs on me. You tell lies and spin tales in an effort to make the reality appear far different than the truth. 

Betrayed. 

I am wounded and need to hide away until I feel strong and safe.

His family will hurt any chances that we have for reconciliation. They will get far too involved and break apart the possibilities. 

A wall has already been built that will never be torn down.

Foolish Girl

The foolish girl believed that they were family. She felt comfortable enough to consider the woman her mother. What a childish notion.

She turned her back and when things became difficult the woman turned on her. The words were no longer soft and caring, rather they had sharp edges that cut at the girl’s bruised heart. Nobody was who they appeared to be; they never were at all.

Wait until his illness flairs up and they see what I’ve been dealing with for the past twenty years. Will they call me? Now that they’ve dismissed me, do I counter by walking away from helping them? Do I turn on them as they’ve turned on me?

Or, sit at home and feel the pain?