Fear

I live in fear of everything and it is no way to live. Is it living, or surviving? 

Today I say the words: 

“I will NOT live in fear!”

Pray the feeling lasts longer than breakfast 

Insert Charlie Brown reference here as he sits before Lucy

Fear, please set me free

If, The End of the World

If the end of the world is upon me what is it that I should do? 

The crashing in my head wakes me nightly, my heart beating faster than I can bare.

My only solace, the only ones who I love save me from disappearing into the night sky.

Let me alone with my dogs and books, be free.

In the Meantime…

In the meantime, he continues his downward spiral and the world pretends that up is down.

In the meantime, I am stagnate because he makes demands and endless calls that I am far to weak to resist.

This is supposed to be my time to find myself, insert midlife crisis cliche here. I haven’t s clue what the next phase of my life holds and I need to figure it out before I can imagine reuniting with him. 

He does not understand my needs, his family may but they simply do not care. I am not their main concern, they care but he is theirs, I am learning to be just me.

In the meantime…

Another Day – Hiding

The heat is oppressive and so I’ve chosen to hide today. 

I am only leaving the house to walk my dogs. The walks are short as the “real feel” tops almost 100 degrees and the humidity makes it difficult to breathe.

I am a bit less lonely today, not to say that it is much of an improvement. 

The husband continues to call and I dodge about a third of his calls. He’s not pleased that I refuse to see him today but I need to stand by my words. 

It’s important that I set some boundaries. Every other day is more than enough, in fact, it is MORE than I should be seeing him. He is not getting well and I am not crawling out of this endless pit of depression. 

We need to work on our own problems on our own before we can fix what is left of our relationship. 

Speaking into an empty well. 

Screaming into the wind.

Wishing that my words could be heard.

The world is deaf!

Inside Outside

My life has been turned inside out and I have allowed it. 

There is nobody to blame except me for this messy life. 

Me, the ultimate planner, did not account for the future. 

Foolishly, I had an image inside outside which would cripple my resolve. 

Now what? 

I’m on hold inside outside of myself until I can get him to budge. 

Or

I plan, research and find a way to save myself and my dogs from being eternally inside outside.

“Sweet freedom whispered in my ear, you’re a butterfly – and butterflies are free to fly. Fly away, fly…” – Elton John

Morning After

Granted, I woke up tired and could use another two hours of sleep. 

The world did not end. 

People showed themselves, as they always do when things are dark. I was gifted with lights from more than one candle. 

What does today hold? 

A friend is visiting and I don’t know if I will confide that I needed to “Save Myself“. 

Why? Because she’s no idea how far I’ve fallen from my true self.

He will call, more than once. He will attempt to convince me to change my mind. He will not, cannot, break my resolve. 

All of these words sound strong and resilient in the early morning. 

I ask my angels for strength.

Save Yourself

Today I listened to the wind as it screamed “Save Yourself” and so I took an apprehensive step forward. Instead of spending another day seeped in regret and pain, I drove him to his parent’s house and didn’t look back.

Of course things are never as simple as they sound, he’s called too many times and doesn’t believe my thick line in the sand.

“Get well or you cannot come home, this takes time so do not fool yourself into believing that you will return quickly”. 

Words that fall on ears that cannot hear over those of the paranoid and delusional voices. Simple statements that must be law. 

I’ve let go of the rope that has tied me too tightly and for too long. My future is no longer entwined with a noose. 

“Save Yourself”