Wasted Wishes 

Wasted wishes fall on deaf ears, there is nothing that can be done about his demons and I am hostage. 

Wasted wishes keep me awake at night and fill my growing body with unnecessary calories. Feed a broken soul.

Wasted wishes leave me alone with the exception of my loving dogs and I thank heaven for their love.

Wasted wishes are anxiety, panic and fear. 

Wasted wishes are life wasted.

Safety, I Scream

Each night the demons return, they scream and grip at my throat

Daylight, they hide in my head and heart. My body has become their cocoon.

I’ve done nothing so terrible to deserve this existence 

Spending each day repenting for sins others have committed leaves me exhausted

Bottles of different colored remedies do little for they cannot control my external life. 

Safety, I scream!

The Constant Sound of Water

The constant sound of water distracts me from moving forward

I am in trapped in the mud created by the ceaseless downpour that comes from our relationship

Or, has it been brewing internally for more years than I can recall

Paralyzed by thoughts that won’t leave me alone, monsters that hide in the corners of my mind

A tortured soul inside of a fake smile that I wear like a cape

The endless sound of water is deafening and more often than not, I am grateful for the noise that distracts

Petrified of today

Regretting yesterday 

Crippled by tomorrow 

Here It Comes…

Here it comes…

I can feel it in my bones as the chill of anxiety builds. There are no correct answers no matter my response. His reaction cannot be measured or guessed, certainly not by me.

Here it comes…

Back at home he will find the walls closing in on him and his mood will change with the wind. The clocks will cease, leaving me to stare at their frozen hands and begging them to nudge. His words may be bitter or paranoid or accusatory.

Here it comes…

Nothing can stop the inevitable.

Permanent 

While it remains inside of my mind it fails to be real. Putting the words down on “virtual paper” makes them permanent. 

All of my anxiety, anger and fears are safe when they are tucked within the confines of my brain. Released, they beg to be faced or at the very least to be acknowledged.

I can hold off for only so long before I must emote. My world shuttered away begs to be set free – it pleads to be solved.

Most of my secrets cannot be “fixed” with the ease of hammer and nail. They lay in wait for change to occur; it never happens.

Speaking in riddles is far easier than opening the wounds wide. 

I choose the permanent and hide.

Anxiety

A person who suffers from ANXIETY is not like everyone else. We suffer in silence and cannot properly articulate the pain. Told to “relax”, “try yoga”, “take a bath”; this is like telling a person who is bleeding to death to try a band-aid or just apply pressure. 

We are drowning in the ANXIETY. It controls us in ways that cripple and is misunderstood for being anti-social or neurotic. Fools, they don’t know the ANXIETY.

Medicine offers mild relief from the noise of ANXIETY but it is incomplete. The words and ideas spin over one another, trapped in our minds. 

ANXIETY is my illness but ignorance is what makes me sick.