Safety, I Scream

Each night the demons return, they scream and grip at my throat

Daylight, they hide in my head and heart. My body has become their cocoon.

I’ve done nothing so terrible to deserve this existence 

Spending each day repenting for sins others have committed leaves me exhausted

Bottles of different colored remedies do little for they cannot control my external life. 

Safety, I scream!

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Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

If, The End of the World

If the end of the world is upon me what is it that I should do? 

The crashing in my head wakes me nightly, my heart beating faster than I can bare.

My only solace, the only ones who I love save me from disappearing into the night sky.

Let me alone with my dogs and books, be free.

Terminal Grief

I have never been cured of my terminal grief

Each time that I believe that there is any chance, life kicks me in the teeth. 

I will never get over the loss of my father.

I will never get over the loss of my sister, Faith.

And now I add that I will never get over the loss of my fake family. 

I’ve been fooled and betrayed, the pain cuts through my soul. I should have know better, my father warned me and I failed to listen.

My failures add up so high that the sun is no longer visible from where I sit. 

My two sweet dogs keep me together when I drop to my knees. 

Meanwhile, my estranged husband works on my emotions day and night, never allowing me any time to heal.

Terminal grief does not kill, it is not lethal. 

It simply leaves you hollow and wondering for the rest of your days.

Returned

He bought me an expensive necklace weeks after my birthday while manic. 

Today I asked him to return it despite the 6% fee. 

It was beautiful and under other circumstances I would have cried with joy upon receiving the diamond necklace; but I am not there right now.

I am not the person who gets that gift from her husband because he is not that husband. 

As I said,

He purchased it a few nights ago during a manic phase. It was never truly meant for me. 

And now I sit in the waiting room of his psychiatrist’s office…

Exhausted and wishing I was at home with my sweet dogs. 

Returned home.

DisConnect

He came over to visit the dogs and then we went to Starbucks. 

The entire time I was on edge and waiting to “feel” something. 

The phone rang and it was his brother, the obligation call – no doubt precipitated by his mother.

Not a passionate reunion, the best feeling words I have are: disconnected, sad or hurting. 

He told me that I have “anger problems“, questioned my medication intake and suggested that I speak to “somebody”. 

In turn, I held my breath because these feelings appear mainly when I am around him. 

• He apologized. 

• He recanted. 

• He said that he’d be home on Monday, but I quickly corrected him. 

Now, at home on the sofa with my sweet dogs, I feel sad

Sad for the feelings that I do not have…

Sad for the feelings which course through my veins…

DisCouraged.

Obligation & Uncomfortable Skin

Admittedly, I’ve grown fat

No fault other than my own

I hate the woman looking back at me in the mirror

Obligation, I must attend a brunch with his family

Despite the lies that they are mine

Make a good appearance

As though it is possible

Far safer on the sofa with my blanket and my dogs

Not depression

Reality