If, The End of the World

If the end of the world is upon me what is it that I should do? 

The crashing in my head wakes me nightly, my heart beating faster than I can bare.

My only solace, the only ones who I love save me from disappearing into the night sky.

Let me alone with my dogs and books, be free.

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The Constant Sound of Water

The constant sound of water distracts me from moving forward

I am in trapped in the mud created by the ceaseless downpour that comes from our relationship

Or, has it been brewing internally for more years than I can recall

Paralyzed by thoughts that won’t leave me alone, monsters that hide in the corners of my mind

A tortured soul inside of a fake smile that I wear like a cape

The endless sound of water is deafening and more often than not, I am grateful for the noise that distracts

Petrified of today

Regretting yesterday 

Crippled by tomorrow 

Is this what Almost Over feels like?

He comes over and I chatter away nonstop 

He makes himself comfortable and the dogs greet him with a luxury of kisses

I suggest dinner and a movie, as we had planned but he says that he is not hungry but that I should order

He mentions money, that he needs to watch his – I do not need to watch mine. I attempt to diffuse any concern but can hear the wind steal my words.

He smokes in the bathroom, the “allowed spot” as it is raining outside. He spends too much time up and down between the sofa and the bathroom.

We have good conversation. Meaningful positive talk about family and emotions but remain distant. 

Distant both physically and emotionally.

I order in dinner and he spoons out some peanut butter. The dogs begin to eat and I believe that things are calm.

Before my food can arrive he requests that I call an Uber car for him to go back to his parent’s house. 

I ask that he please wait for my food to arrive, that he need not sit with me, and he begrudgedly agrees.

I smile and order his car, pretending that there is no problem. 

He tells me:

• that he is worried about his father’s health.

• that he is worried about his health

• that he is afraid that if he stays any longer he will screw things up

Then he tells me how he’s certain that I will hold this against him later; I smile (holding back my true feelings) and tell him that everything is fine.

I wonder what he thinks…

Are we married for convenience? 

A failsafe for when his parents pass away? 

Does he even feel anything romantic towards me? 

Is this what ALMOST OVER feels like? 

When neither of us has the nerve to say: “Let’s be best friends?“.

Terminal Grief

I have never been cured of my terminal grief

Each time that I believe that there is any chance, life kicks me in the teeth. 

I will never get over the loss of my father.

I will never get over the loss of my sister, Faith.

And now I add that I will never get over the loss of my fake family. 

I’ve been fooled and betrayed, the pain cuts through my soul. I should have know better, my father warned me and I failed to listen.

My failures add up so high that the sun is no longer visible from where I sit. 

My two sweet dogs keep me together when I drop to my knees. 

Meanwhile, my estranged husband works on my emotions day and night, never allowing me any time to heal.

Terminal grief does not kill, it is not lethal. 

It simply leaves you hollow and wondering for the rest of your days.

Foolish Girl

The foolish girl believed that they were family. She felt comfortable enough to consider the woman her mother. What a childish notion.

She turned her back and when things became difficult the woman turned on her. The words were no longer soft and caring, rather they had sharp edges that cut at the girl’s bruised heart. Nobody was who they appeared to be; they never were at all.

Wait until his illness flairs up and they see what I’ve been dealing with for the past twenty years. Will they call me? Now that they’ve dismissed me, do I counter by walking away from helping them? Do I turn on them as they’ve turned on me?

Or, sit at home and feel the pain?

Another Day – Hiding

The heat is oppressive and so I’ve chosen to hide today. 

I am only leaving the house to walk my dogs. The walks are short as the “real feel” tops almost 100 degrees and the humidity makes it difficult to breathe.

I am a bit less lonely today, not to say that it is much of an improvement. 

The husband continues to call and I dodge about a third of his calls. He’s not pleased that I refuse to see him today but I need to stand by my words. 

It’s important that I set some boundaries. Every other day is more than enough, in fact, it is MORE than I should be seeing him. He is not getting well and I am not crawling out of this endless pit of depression. 

We need to work on our own problems on our own before we can fix what is left of our relationship. 

Speaking into an empty well. 

Screaming into the wind.

Wishing that my words could be heard.

The world is deaf!

Apart

Being apart is impossible when he keeps drawing us together and I am too weak to say NO. He still lives elsewhere but with the exception of ONE day, we have seen one another each day. This must change because I am NOT healing. He calls endlessly, some are benign and others are entwined with the weeds of his illness. 

Of course I am depressed and lonely, I’m human. Yes – Feeling sorry for myself and the situation which I’ve found myself living in at this point. 

It’s me and my dogs, all alone. 

Apart.