Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

Here It Comes…

Here it comes…

I can feel it in my bones as the chill of anxiety builds. There are no correct answers no matter my response. His reaction cannot be measured or guessed, certainly not by me.

Here it comes…

Back at home he will find the walls closing in on him and his mood will change with the wind. The clocks will cease, leaving me to stare at their frozen hands and begging them to nudge. His words may be bitter or paranoid or accusatory.

Here it comes…

Nothing can stop the inevitable.

Today, Again

Same day – Every day:

My sleep is riddled with nightmares

I wake at 4:00am because my head pounds 

Two Excedrin Migraine 

Out of bed five hours before him isn’t enough time 

To myself

By myself 

Pills get me prepared for his eventual arrival

Do I dare waste this special time on sleep

Do I dare stay awake during this special time

Today he will expect me to fill his hours 

Today he will insist on seeing his parents – together 

Today, again

Retrospection

2010 was the worst year of my life. That was the year that I lost my father. 

In many ways we died together.

2015 is coming to a close as a strong number two. 

I lost my soulmate and my heart remains heavy. 

Then his sickness exploded: my husband has been paranoid and psychotic for the past nine months, with no end in sight.

My depression and misery, coupled with bone-chilling anxiety are impossible to hide.  Living with a man who can, and does, turn on me verbally at any moment is crippling. 

Resolutions for 2016 are futile. 

If I were to dare to have one, my resolution would be: freedom.

Disappear 2015 and pray that 2016 will be silent.

  

My Real Truth

My real truth is too frightening to say out loud; thus I carry it around my neck like a noose.  A noose which grows heavier each day until eventually it will choke the air out of my lungs.  

I don’t want to die.

I hate my life.

My life is not what I want it to be.    If I were to dare say these words and they touched the air, certainly my world would shatter.  Or, even worse, nobody would be listening. Those who are  left around me would turn my truth into their world.

I do not live, I exist only for the collective “them”.  There are so many, just countless mornings that I dread the day ahead.  Waiting for the hours to pass quickly I listen to everyone else’s problems and absorb them into my body.

My misery, loneliness and pain are being compounded by the fact that I’ve chosen to burden myself with toxic pain. Toxic, selfish and sick people who believe I’ve got shoulders of granite.  My body is ravaged by their constant stream of needs, wants and arrows shot at close proximity.  

I hate the life that I have created.  I fantasize about the sweetness of freedom. To be alone and no longer burdened or attacked, closing my eyes tightly it is real. Sadly, eyes opened, I am a hostage to the life that I chose.

That, is My Real Truth.

Butterfly Away

She lay in her cocoon believing that her wings would soon emerge

For hours the fluttering inside gave her hope

Until reality and the sensation made the ill-forming butterfly realize the truth

The beautiful fluttering sounds would be the final that she would hear

As her insides burst and the light blinding 

Until…

There was nothing but darkness and she ceased to exist.