Tired

As we spin towards the five year mark I am exhausted from the sadness and the pain of missing you every day and reliving it every night while I try to sleep me alone with the dogs instead of your warm embrace.

Your abrupt death changed everything and everyone that I knew and no longer know all of us are different now or so I would imagine because most of your family stopped speaking to me for some reason that I’ll never understand but it still hurts a little less every time I think of who they really were the entire time.

The tears are always right below the surface and I do a countdown wondering and waiting for the agony to quell and swell in my body and heart it’s so exhausting I’m always tired I worry about the dogs only because they are my family just us three despite friendships they are it.

Do you see me or hear me or feel the pain that was left behind I hope you don’t then again sometimes I wish that you did but you were very sick too sick if only I knew the entire truth of that night but nobody will tell me.

I love you and miss you – Always

8 days

In 8 days it will be 5 years since you died.

It’s a million years ago and just a moment ago.

What am I supposed to do without you?

Without us?

I miss you my love

Part of me

Part of me is fading away

I can’t explain it but I’m just resigned to being alone with my dogs

When my husband passed away he took almost all of me with him

What I show others is fake

And exhausting

Part of me is already

Gone

Words fail me

There are some feelings that words fail to express.

The agony of losing so many loved ones.

No words can explain the loneliness and the pain.

I read all the time but only dark novels.

No chic lit with cute happy ending because I’ve found out the hard way that it’s bullshit

Rest in peace

Today is six years since I lost my father-in-law. He was the heart of the family. My husband was the laughter of the family.

They are together and at peace.

While I stay here… alone