Another Day – Hiding

The heat is oppressive and so I’ve chosen to hide today. 

I am only leaving the house to walk my dogs. The walks are short as the “real feel” tops almost 100 degrees and the humidity makes it difficult to breathe.

I am a bit less lonely today, not to say that it is much of an improvement. 

The husband continues to call and I dodge about a third of his calls. He’s not pleased that I refuse to see him today but I need to stand by my words. 

It’s important that I set some boundaries. Every other day is more than enough, in fact, it is MORE than I should be seeing him. He is not getting well and I am not crawling out of this endless pit of depression. 

We need to work on our own problems on our own before we can fix what is left of our relationship. 

Speaking into an empty well. 

Screaming into the wind.

Wishing that my words could be heard.

The world is deaf!

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On a Short, Tight Leash

He keeps me on a short, tight leash.
Watching every move that I make and shadowing me.
The truth is that it is his “illness” and I am his wife, caretaker and victim of his moods.
I haven’t the right to complain.

The world revolves around him.
He makes all of the choices and the rules; we stand by – foolishly – and allow this behavior.
His reign as King was given to him by his parents.
They do not see what is obvious.
They close their eyes and allow me, his dear spouse, to take the brunt.

Congratulations – you win an expensive Christmas gift!
All you have to do in return is EVERYTHING that we need.
Speak only as accepted, keep all secrets and lies.
Smile and be thankful for the opportunity.

A woman on a choke collar.

Nothing to Say

I fear that I am empty

There is nothing left of me but time.  

The acceptance that my days will be spent as a butterfly who is a caretaker – never free

Nothing left to say.

Imagine, this blog is more than I can emote. 

Do I have anything to say? Worth listening to any longer…

Who wants to hear the words of a caged butterfly?

NOW

• The smallest chore overwhelms me

• Laundry piles up, both clean and dirty

• The bed goes unmade although it bothers me 

• I’ve given up on so much, there will never be a novel or even a short story

• My weight will always remain unmanageable 

A lost friend has been discovered and I wonder how long before she disappears

Nothing to say – I pray for the tides to turn. For my friend to stay with me; for me to bond and work on being connected. 

Otherwise, empty. 

A caged butterfly. 

My Trials: Invisible

His constant inability to assist or attempt to try. 

His world where everything is taken care of for him. 

His paranoia envelopes both him and I because I’ve been chosen. 

His life has dictated mine. 

His view of me is as caretaker, room and board. The sponge to his wrath or insanity. 

His parents can only calm him, never me. 

His future frightens me due to the reality of mortality. 

His eventual reaction to their demise will certainly lead to his crash. 

His attitude is entitled. 

His personality can change minute to minute and this is pointed directly at me. 

His answers to questions and opinions are non-description; annoyed. 

His world has engulfed mine. 

My trials of being, still and always: invisible. 

Further from the Shore

I float further from the shore 

Closing my eyes, I let the sun burn down upon me. 

Long ago I gave up on returning to the beach. 

Further and further from the lights of any town. 

Nothing to hear but the crash of the waves.  

Eyes still closed, I await the inevitable. 

Calm, music of the sea playing in my head. 

No pain as evening arrives and the sun lets my skin breathe.  

In my mind’s eye, I can see them.

Those that I loved. 

So close. 

Getting closer. 

As I float further from the shore. 

I Don’t Matter

I am upper middle class room and board. 

I am the person you can turn on who won’t walk away or throw you out. 

I don’t matter. 

You’ve used up everything inside of me and left me hollow and shattered. 

The amazing fact is that you simply do not care.  

That is not part of your illness; that is cruel. 

I don’t matter any longer; any you do not care because it suits you just fine. 

Who is the monster now?

If Anything Happens

If anything happens, please remember that I tried. 

Isn’t that all that one can ask of another person. 

I wanted everything and everyone to have a happy ending.  I never imagined that he saw me as the villain. 

If anything happens, try to remember that I had so much love and devotion that it literally made me ache. 

Disappearing into thin air. 

Falling away. 

Or breaking into too many pieces to count. 

If anything happens, hope that I become a butterfly.