Wasted Wishes 

Wasted wishes fall on deaf ears, there is nothing that can be done about his demons and I am hostage. 

Wasted wishes keep me awake at night and fill my growing body with unnecessary calories. Feed a broken soul.

Wasted wishes leave me alone with the exception of my loving dogs and I thank heaven for their love.

Wasted wishes are anxiety, panic and fear. 

Wasted wishes are life wasted.

The Constant Sound of Water

The constant sound of water distracts me from moving forward

I am in trapped in the mud created by the ceaseless downpour that comes from our relationship

Or, has it been brewing internally for more years than I can recall

Paralyzed by thoughts that won’t leave me alone, monsters that hide in the corners of my mind

A tortured soul inside of a fake smile that I wear like a cape

The endless sound of water is deafening and more often than not, I am grateful for the noise that distracts

Petrified of today

Regretting yesterday 

Crippled by tomorrow 

Another Day – Hiding

The heat is oppressive and so I’ve chosen to hide today. 

I am only leaving the house to walk my dogs. The walks are short as the “real feel” tops almost 100 degrees and the humidity makes it difficult to breathe.

I am a bit less lonely today, not to say that it is much of an improvement. 

The husband continues to call and I dodge about a third of his calls. He’s not pleased that I refuse to see him today but I need to stand by my words. 

It’s important that I set some boundaries. Every other day is more than enough, in fact, it is MORE than I should be seeing him. He is not getting well and I am not crawling out of this endless pit of depression. 

We need to work on our own problems on our own before we can fix what is left of our relationship. 

Speaking into an empty well. 

Screaming into the wind.

Wishing that my words could be heard.

The world is deaf!

Permanent 

While it remains inside of my mind it fails to be real. Putting the words down on “virtual paper” makes them permanent. 

All of my anxiety, anger and fears are safe when they are tucked within the confines of my brain. Released, they beg to be faced or at the very least to be acknowledged.

I can hold off for only so long before I must emote. My world shuttered away begs to be set free – it pleads to be solved.

Most of my secrets cannot be “fixed” with the ease of hammer and nail. They lay in wait for change to occur; it never happens.

Speaking in riddles is far easier than opening the wounds wide. 

I choose the permanent and hide.

Today, Again

Same day – Every day:

My sleep is riddled with nightmares

I wake at 4:00am because my head pounds 

Two Excedrin Migraine 

Out of bed five hours before him isn’t enough time 

To myself

By myself 

Pills get me prepared for his eventual arrival

Do I dare waste this special time on sleep

Do I dare stay awake during this special time

Today he will expect me to fill his hours 

Today he will insist on seeing his parents – together 

Today, again

No More Words

I fear that I’ve run out of words and that I’ve come to the very end of this blog. 

Prose and emotion are no longer able to flow from my broken mind onto the page. 

My world has become far too difficult and the pain is just immeasurable. 

There are no more words. 

I sleep my days and nights away – except for my visits to the hospital. 

His phone calls vacillate between pleasant and rude. 

His family has returned and closed ranks; I am a driver at best. 

Even his doctor has disregarded me. 

I no longer exist. 

My telephone never rings. I am all alone and no longer have any words to share with the world. 

Not one person in this crazy world takes me into consideration. 

No more words, not one. 

Besides, there is not a sole to hear me. 

Alas, I will live my life in quiet desperation until I am told what to do next. 

Worried. 

Scared. 

Alone. 

No more words to share. 

Give Up

What happens if I give up?  If I say, “screw you!” and take my things, my dog and walk away. If I don’t want to deal with this bullshit. If I give up!

I’m sick of being the strong one, the one we count on and piss on. The source of all things and then swallow my pride for everyone’s insanity. 

What about me?!  I give up!

I want my dog back. I want my shit life back. I will even take Wall Street back if that means that the constant pain stops. 

This is simply just too much for one human being to take alone

I am all alone. He has turned on me. If we are to stay together, I must build giant walls and hide behind them. Truth be told – I am an expert.  

Enough is enough; there is only so much a person can endure before they scream. 

I Give Up!

Why haven’t I cried?  

I’ve been on the verge of tears so many times but alas nothing. Perhaps each of us are allotted so many tears to shed and I’ve used mine. 

There are no tears left to fall from my bloodshot eyes. 

There is nothing left inside of me except loss and pain

I GIVE UP