If, The End of the World

If the end of the world is upon me what is it that I should do? 

The crashing in my head wakes me nightly, my heart beating faster than I can bare.

My only solace, the only ones who I love save me from disappearing into the night sky.

Let me alone with my dogs and books, be free.

Advertisements

Further from the Shore

I float further from the shore 

Closing my eyes, I let the sun burn down upon me. 

Long ago I gave up on returning to the beach. 

Further and further from the lights of any town. 

Nothing to hear but the crash of the waves.  

Eyes still closed, I await the inevitable. 

Calm, music of the sea playing in my head. 

No pain as evening arrives and the sun lets my skin breathe.  

In my mind’s eye, I can see them.

Those that I loved. 

So close. 

Getting closer. 

As I float further from the shore. 

Gone Woman

Unlike the sick “gone girl“, this “gone woman” has left and probably will not return. 

She will be easily viewed by those around her; but there will only be a mirage. 

The “gone woman” has long departed this body and all that remains is an empty soul. 

She wanders this earth with nothing to do except watch the days go by and wish for yesterday. 

Nothing is there to dream about except what was or might have been. 

You cannot love what you cannot see. 

Therefore being invisible is a simple lonely place. 

The “gone woman” is not loved, not seen – she has failed to exist for as long as she can recall. 

And to her we say, GOODBYE

Poof!

  

With you always … 

Good Girl

The Good Girl says what is expected despite what she feels. 

She swallows her emotions in an effort in order to make the others happy. 

The Good Girl only found true happiness with her dogs.  

Her dogs have gone forever, leaving pain and a whole in her heart that can NEVER be replaced. 

The Good Girl would give up every human in her life if she could have her boys back. 

They gave her more love than any human could ever provide. 

INSTEAD

The Good Girl gives up and gives in. 

She puts her needs and her life “on hold” for him when he would never do the same for her. 

Hiding her resentment because it ignites his ever-growing spark; she says nothing. 

The Good Girl watches others and knows that “those lives” weren’t meant for her. 

She will grow old alone and angry. 

Nobody will know that the Good Girl is in so much pain.  

At any given moment  she could fall to her knees and howl, crying and screaming. 

People would walk the Good Girl and not even notice that she existed. 

They would be right – this Good Girl is invisible. 

  

My true love and soulmate. 

No More

There is no more space in my life for the pain. 

I’ve had far too much pain and fear for a thousand lifetimes. 

You’ve taken and taken; leaving me as no more than a shell. 

No more than a shadow or a memory of the girl that I used to be. 

I am afraid both for you and of you. 

What will become of you?

Me?

Of us?

I’ve hidden away so deep that nobody can find me. I am unsure that I even exist any longer. 

Perhaps I am a mirage. 

Hidden. 

No rainbow

Just disappear into the beautiful Red Rocks that I used to covet outside of my dear father’s windows. 

No More Words

I fear that I’ve run out of words and that I’ve come to the very end of this blog. 

Prose and emotion are no longer able to flow from my broken mind onto the page. 

My world has become far too difficult and the pain is just immeasurable. 

There are no more words. 

I sleep my days and nights away – except for my visits to the hospital. 

His phone calls vacillate between pleasant and rude. 

His family has returned and closed ranks; I am a driver at best. 

Even his doctor has disregarded me. 

I no longer exist. 

My telephone never rings. I am all alone and no longer have any words to share with the world. 

Not one person in this crazy world takes me into consideration. 

No more words, not one. 

Besides, there is not a sole to hear me. 

Alas, I will live my life in quiet desperation until I am told what to do next. 

Worried. 

Scared. 

Alone. 

No more words to share. 

My Fault

You made it sound like it sound like it was all my fault – I was stupid and should have known better. You were right. I was a fool, stupid and blind. I deserve to be left alone and it is exactly as I thought I would end up. 

ALONE

MY FAULT

Me and my dog. 

Isn’t it what I wanted – be careful what you wish for…  I’m so scared that I can’t move. I can’t even cry anymore. 

He left with the voices screaming in his head!  There is nothing I can do but sit crippled on the sofa, my dog asleep by my side and wish that I could close my eyes and make the world go away. 

It’s my fault. 

It’s all my fault. 

Him, my father, Tobey, Faith – I’ve never been worthy. 

I should be alone; I should spend the rest of my days counting them down all by myself. 

Nobody to love or to love me. Just as I’ve always known. 

Disappear – as it is all my fault.