Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

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Apart

Being apart is impossible when he keeps drawing us together and I am too weak to say NO. He still lives elsewhere but with the exception of ONE day, we have seen one another each day. This must change because I am NOT healing. He calls endlessly, some are benign and others are entwined with the weeds of his illness. 

Of course I am depressed and lonely, I’m human. Yes – Feeling sorry for myself and the situation which I’ve found myself living in at this point. 

It’s me and my dogs, all alone. 

Apart.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Did you expect this to happen, for this to be my future? Certainly you could not have predicted that your family would have left me as well. Did you believe that I was really as strong as I pretended? I am not.

It is just me and my dogs now. Everyone else is an illusion, they will pretend for only so long as they need my assistance with him. They will act the part long enough to ease their lingering guilt. But in the end, I am alone.

I always believed, because you told me, that I was strong enough to be all alone. That I was a loner – but no, it was because I had you. 

Now I don’t have you. It’s just me and my dogs. Where are you? You promised! I love you and I trusted you. At fifty, such a child still.

Wherever you are please watch over me and make me strong – I need you and love you.

Always your daughter…

My Confession: No Sleep

My Confession: No Sleep

It is nearly 8:00am and I have not slept. My mind refuses to allow any rest. 

The truth about being married to a man who will never be “whole” is that my burden is often overwhelming. While there have been months where I was able to relax – those days are in the past. 

A person with schitzoaffective disorder is sadly dependent. Luckily, my dear spouse found a woman bred to be a care-taker. 

Thank you Dad, I love you always, despite this cursed gift.

Illusions:  Inside and Out

Outwardly, he may appear to be in control, social and helpful. All the while the delusions rage inside of his mind. 

Outwardly, he may speak in impossibilities: conspiracies and secret tests done against his will. All the while the delusions have bloomed into madness.

There are days and nights where we laugh and talk for hours. He can be kind, understanding and the man I imagine to be a permanent gift.  I keep those memories in my mind’s vault for when the tides turn against me.

There are days and nights where he accuses me of ridiculous crimes of betrayal. His words are shards of glass that embed beneath my skin. I do my best to remember that it is his “illness” alas, his words are kept in another vault in my mind.

At 5:00pm

At 5:00pm he tumbles out of the bedroom. He has been awake on and off today, albeit mostly off

He chose to double one of his medicines last night because he had not drank alcohol in three days. There is a correlation somewhere but I don’t even begin to inquire.

My day and mood has been, best described as “manic anxiety“. Hours on the Internet, shopping, straightening the clean house…

Despite my prescribed Valium, I still have not slept since the night before last. This cannot continue tonight, my body is cold and shaking, weak from lack of rest yet fueled by the compulsion to “fix and finish everything“. 

I am such a good codependent! 

It’s a trait that others adore and I despise. 

Being the spouse of a man with a severe mental illness is never easy. I am forever waiting, anticipating and doing my best to enjoy what is tossed my way.

Prey

The pack slowly descends upon its prey

Watching, waiting for any show of weakness

And they will attack

Yes,

There are members of the pack that use the prey to their advantage

They can only hold back the younger and more dominant, strong wolves for a short while longer

Eventually, descending upon the prey will morph into an attack

One against too many to count

The frightened animal’s own companion turns his face

A scream

He is one of them, those that devour and destroy

Shaking, as I wait

I cannot rest. 

Though I am exhausted. 

Shaking, as I wait for him to return. Wondering who will walk through the door and what his mood will be towards me. 

Shaking, as I had my first mammogram today. The results come in later this week. 

His father’s words ring in my ears: “if there is anything found, remove it immediately“. 

Shaking, as I wait for him to return from the doctor who dares to blame his psychosis on me. I am supposed to “take it“.

Self-preservation. 

Shaking, as I wait for my stomach to churn again. As I rush for the bathroom and curse the anti-anxiety medicine which is not working. 

Shaking, as I wait to find out who comes home. 

Shaking, as I wait for another person dictates my life. 

Watching the clock I wonder if I was wrong to tell his parents and warn his doctor.  

What is love if not to protect?