The Constant Sound of Water

The constant sound of water distracts me from moving forward

I am in trapped in the mud created by the ceaseless downpour that comes from our relationship

Or, has it been brewing internally for more years than I can recall

Paralyzed by thoughts that won’t leave me alone, monsters that hide in the corners of my mind

A tortured soul inside of a fake smile that I wear like a cape

The endless sound of water is deafening and more often than not, I am grateful for the noise that distracts

Petrified of today

Regretting yesterday 

Crippled by tomorrow 

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Water

Water flows over my unwilling body

As I lay on the sofa

Unaware

Calling out to my husband is futile

He brings more rain

My dogs climb on top of me to protect

They know love far better than he could imagine

Reaching out to the umbrella man does little but add anxiety

And mix

With the water that threatens to drown me

My Real Truth

My real truth is too frightening to say out loud; thus I carry it around my neck like a noose.  A noose which grows heavier each day until eventually it will choke the air out of my lungs.  

I don’t want to die.

I hate my life.

My life is not what I want it to be.    If I were to dare say these words and they touched the air, certainly my world would shatter.  Or, even worse, nobody would be listening. Those who are  left around me would turn my truth into their world.

I do not live, I exist only for the collective “them”.  There are so many, just countless mornings that I dread the day ahead.  Waiting for the hours to pass quickly I listen to everyone else’s problems and absorb them into my body.

My misery, loneliness and pain are being compounded by the fact that I’ve chosen to burden myself with toxic pain. Toxic, selfish and sick people who believe I’ve got shoulders of granite.  My body is ravaged by their constant stream of needs, wants and arrows shot at close proximity.  

I hate the life that I have created.  I fantasize about the sweetness of freedom. To be alone and no longer burdened or attacked, closing my eyes tightly it is real. Sadly, eyes opened, I am a hostage to the life that I chose.

That, is My Real Truth.

Further from the Shore

I float further from the shore 

Closing my eyes, I let the sun burn down upon me. 

Long ago I gave up on returning to the beach. 

Further and further from the lights of any town. 

Nothing to hear but the crash of the waves.  

Eyes still closed, I await the inevitable. 

Calm, music of the sea playing in my head. 

No pain as evening arrives and the sun lets my skin breathe.  

In my mind’s eye, I can see them.

Those that I loved. 

So close. 

Getting closer. 

As I float further from the shore. 

A Million Miles

We sit in the same room, your voice is as dry and cold as chalk; and I pretend to listen. You’ve no idea what I’m thinking and it amazes me that you don’t notice. You’re interests are different than mine because you cannot possibly put me ahead of your family.

Our relationship, no matter how enmeshed, is more mirrors and lights than an artist’s clay. I can tell you what you want to hear and push myself further and further back until you cannot see me. Amazingly, you do not notice that I’ve disappeared.

As long as you believe what you see and hear; we are safe. You are safe. While I am slowly taking on water until I fear that the stream is above my head. Unable to swim, I should panic, instead I close my eyes and wait calmly for the drowning.

The water is safe and for once I don’t mind the idea of floating into the deep.

Save Me!

The monsters are devouring me alive.

I can feel them tearing my flesh from my body.

There is nothing I can do except pray for salvation.

Set me and my dog free; we cannot endure this torture.

I’ve played their games and done as told; I cannot fight any longer.

My soul has been torn to shreds.

The only thing keeping me grounded is my dog.

Save me!