Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

My Confession: Up and Down

My Confession, Up and Down

It’s unclear to me whether his moods, or if his constant barbs and words are part of his illness or just who I married.  In all reality his ups and downs are likely a combination of the two. 

No matter the reason, it is painful when he makes insinuations that he won’t explain.  He makes cold and hurtful statements that he refuses to tell me what they mean.

I am a target he can toy with and never expects repercussions.

My Confession, the Paranoia

Schitzoaffective disorder is accompanied by the gift the never ends: paranoia. It is with him at all times, sometimes just a small buzzing and other times a loud siren. Today the siren is low but very present. 

At lunch he proclaimed; “if anything happens to me, you have to sue the hospital, my doctor and my dentist“. When I asked the obvious question: “what am I suing for?” – he was frustrated and retorted “you know“.  

I do not know.

My Trials: Invisible

His constant inability to assist or attempt to try. 

His world where everything is taken care of for him. 

His paranoia envelopes both him and I because I’ve been chosen. 

His life has dictated mine. 

His view of me is as caretaker, room and board. The sponge to his wrath or insanity. 

His parents can only calm him, never me. 

His future frightens me due to the reality of mortality. 

His eventual reaction to their demise will certainly lead to his crash. 

His attitude is entitled. 

His personality can change minute to minute and this is pointed directly at me. 

His answers to questions and opinions are non-description; annoyed. 

His world has engulfed mine. 

My trials of being, still and always: invisible. 

Someday

Someday I pray that I will either bloom like a butterfly, like you Judy. Or simply dry up and disappear in the hot summer sun a caterpillar, lost.  

Judy, your life filled the room and no matter what you said or did.  Why?  Because everyone around you felt special. You were so incredible, a life force beyond belief. 

I took you light and colors for granted, always dreaming of blooming into you. I have wilted and left the technicolor desires behind, embarrassed. 

I miss you although I never told you how deeply you touched my heart. My only choices now are to carry on your magic OR fail and disappear amongst the other wilted flowers. 

At this juncture all that I can do I dream and try…

Much love always. 

  

Love is Gone 

Truth

I have loved you for so long that I cannot imagine saying the words out loud. Coward, I will write them: our love is gone. We both are aware of the fact both neither of us will utter the words. 

Why? 

Because you have nowhere else to go – simple as that fact. We live in collective misery, no love in our home. Victims to your illness and to my weakness. 

Next

There is no future but waiting out our days. Miserable, pained and trying to fill my days. Lying and smiling in a cold marriage. 

Cold

There will never be romance. Moments when I feel loved and longed for – not for me. Those things are meant for other women. A passionate kiss is a memory from too many years ago that I cannot count. I will never be beautiful again. Or loved. 

Love is gone; I fear that it has been for years. 

I’m sorry. 

For You

For you, I have lied and given away my life. You do not notice, are not thankful or even care. It’s expected. 

For you, I’ve made endless sacrifices which have ended in my own loneliness.  My anger grows like weeds. 

For you, I’ve tolerated what few would allow. I have lost all boundaries and my heart knows no better. 

For you, I will sit in a room tomorrow and lie in order to free you from the hospital. Bring you back to a home that is mine and allow you destroy my serenity. 

For you, I have given my heart and soul and my life. There is “me” or even an “us”; there is only “you”. 

For you, I will live out my days in quiet desperation. Perhaps going back to work – or take classes to save what is left of my sanity. 

IF the tables were turned, what would you do for me?  Would you serve in battle for me?  Be there each day and listen to my cruel and arrogant rants OR would you go on with your own life?

For you, I believe that I would alone. 

  

No More

There is no more space in my life for the pain. 

I’ve had far too much pain and fear for a thousand lifetimes. 

You’ve taken and taken; leaving me as no more than a shell. 

No more than a shadow or a memory of the girl that I used to be. 

I am afraid both for you and of you. 

What will become of you?

Me?

Of us?

I’ve hidden away so deep that nobody can find me. I am unsure that I even exist any longer. 

Perhaps I am a mirage. 

Hidden. 

No rainbow

Just disappear into the beautiful Red Rocks that I used to covet outside of my dear father’s windows.