Medicate with pills and food.
Sleep and read.
Time with the dogs.
Mostly time all alone.
I’ve lost too many people – they visit me while I sleep, sometimes while I’m awake – listening to music.
They haunt me.
My father, sister, husband – all ghosts
I’m a series of diagnosis – PTSD, CPTSD, GAD, SAD, BED
fucking initials that fail to define me
Each day I promise myself (and my dogs) that today will be better.
Each night I pray that the misters stay away.
There is no end to the food despite the medication.
Blind binging fills my waking hours.
He notices as I grow and interjects his cruel words.
Result: more food.
My father tried that method, it destroyed my self-worth.
Alas, my husband has an open wound to scratch – draw blood and tears.
The food must stop but I am nothing if not helpless and hate being seen.
Fatter = Invisible
He continues to be paranoid – delusional – untrusting.
The medication is not having the desired effect.
He won’t eat.
He drinks water and sodas until he shakes, sleeps, chain smokes cigarettes and is in his own world.
Certainly NOT communicating with me. (Or his father) – Only Mama.
I’m isolated and burdened with HIS family and HIS holiday.
Buying gifts to attend events that I do not want to attend.
I even purchased my own Christmas gift from “him” AND from his parents.
Fucking isolated and binging the pain away. Let food fill up my empty heart.
No father, no sweet dogs – it is HIS world and I survive in ISOLATION and try my best not to go MAD!
I hate food.
Every morsel.
If I could vanish – how wonderful
These binges kill me
Make them stop
I don’t want to be the FAT girl again
But I see her:
• In the mirror
• In photos
Stop the food from stealing my soul
It almost took me last time
Please
Help me
Make it stop!!
The Search for Peace from Under a Butterfly's Wings 