I Just Work Here

“I love you” because I need you. “Please put together Rob’s party” because my children are lazy, spoiled and selfish!

“We are on a diet for the wedding, don’t eat that”, I’m not going to the fucking wedding!

“You drive into New York, I can’t”. Which means he doesn’t feel like it and I’m the damn chauffeur!

WHO TAKES CARE OF ME?!?!

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New Year, Day 2

He has returned to the world that I cannot see. In return, I’ve chosen to ignore his obvious symptoms and attempt to live a life. His parents are far too entrenched in our marraige and my goal is to extricate myself from this sick quartet. 

My life has to begin. I need to matter once again; or its only a matter of time before their collective insanity consumes me. May I have the strength behind these words – it is him or me – and I refuse to give up anymore of myself!

Isolated in His World

He continues to be paranoid – delusional – untrusting.  

The medication is not having the desired effect.  

He won’t eat.  

He drinks water and sodas until he shakes, sleeps, chain smokes cigarettes and is in his own world.  

Certainly NOT communicating with me.  (Or his father) – Only Mama.

I’m isolated and burdened with HIS family and HIS holiday.  

Buying gifts to attend events that I do not want to attend.  

I even purchased my own Christmas gift from “himAND from his parents.

Fucking isolated and binging the pain away.  Let food fill up my empty heart.  

No father, no sweet dogs – it is HIS world and I survive in ISOLATION and try my best not to go MAD!

On a Short, Tight Leash

He keeps me on a short, tight leash.
Watching every move that I make and shadowing me.
The truth is that it is his “illness” and I am his wife, caretaker and victim of his moods.
I haven’t the right to complain.

The world revolves around him.
He makes all of the choices and the rules; we stand by – foolishly – and allow this behavior.
His reign as King was given to him by his parents.
They do not see what is obvious.
They close their eyes and allow me, his dear spouse, to take the brunt.

Congratulations – you win an expensive Christmas gift!
All you have to do in return is EVERYTHING that we need.
Speak only as accepted, keep all secrets and lies.
Smile and be thankful for the opportunity.

A woman on a choke collar.

Me and my Shadow

No matter where I go, he’s right behind me. I wake up, count less than thirty minutes, and he is there – WATCHING.  

Always on the telephone but never far from my side, his constant hovering is engulfing.  I read and he chooses to speak with me.  Errands are never done because my shadow fears the public.  HOSTAGE.

I crave alone time like an animal needs to hibernate, the time is limited to his choosing.  The house rules are gone as a slap in the face. He might as well utter the words: “I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, SHUT UP BECAUSE I AM IGNORING YOU ANYHOW!”

It drives me insane

The walls close in on me

I am growing resentful

Angry 

Set aside, “as needed” 

Beg for night but my shadow fails to disappear 

  

The Monster Returns

The monster returned upon our arrival home.  He was feigning sleep for a while, with only two glimpses. Now he is blown out of proportion and fills the room.

My walls have kept me safe, they’ve always been there as well. Migraines aside, I refuse to indulge the monster despite how he taunts.

If he is bent on destroying himself than there is little I can do.  I have walked through fire for him and have sustained the burns.  All the while he is the poor victim and I am the fool – no longer.

If the monster has indeed returned; he will not take me with him into his living hell.

STOP!

STOP telling me what to do!

STOP ordering me around!

STOP blaming me for everything!

STOP looking over my shoulder, following me around and asking where I am constantly!

STOP putting me on a choke collar like I am a bad dog – I neither bad nor a dog!

STOP force feeding me your needs, your family and your opinions!

Just STOP already because I can’t take it – NO, I won’t take it any longer!

STOP, please!

  
This dog does NOT need a choke collar, she’s gentle and just wants to be loved. πŸ’πŸΎπŸΎπŸΎπŸΎπŸ’