Wasted Wishes 

Wasted wishes fall on deaf ears, there is nothing that can be done about his demons and I am hostage. 

Wasted wishes keep me awake at night and fill my growing body with unnecessary calories. Feed a broken soul.

Wasted wishes leave me alone with the exception of my loving dogs and I thank heaven for their love.

Wasted wishes are anxiety, panic and fear. 

Wasted wishes are life wasted.

Safety, I Scream

Each night the demons return, they scream and grip at my throat

Daylight, they hide in my head and heart. My body has become their cocoon.

I’ve done nothing so terrible to deserve this existence 

Spending each day repenting for sins others have committed leaves me exhausted

Bottles of different colored remedies do little for they cannot control my external life. 

Safety, I scream!

Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

Fear

I live in fear of everything and it is no way to live. Is it living, or surviving? 

Today I say the words: 

“I will NOT live in fear!”

Pray the feeling lasts longer than breakfast 

Insert Charlie Brown reference here as he sits before Lucy

Fear, please set me free

If, The End of the World

If the end of the world is upon me what is it that I should do? 

The crashing in my head wakes me nightly, my heart beating faster than I can bare.

My only solace, the only ones who I love save me from disappearing into the night sky.

Let me alone with my dogs and books, be free.

Is this what Almost Over feels like?

He comes over and I chatter away nonstop 

He makes himself comfortable and the dogs greet him with a luxury of kisses

I suggest dinner and a movie, as we had planned but he says that he is not hungry but that I should order

He mentions money, that he needs to watch his – I do not need to watch mine. I attempt to diffuse any concern but can hear the wind steal my words.

He smokes in the bathroom, the “allowed spot” as it is raining outside. He spends too much time up and down between the sofa and the bathroom.

We have good conversation. Meaningful positive talk about family and emotions but remain distant. 

Distant both physically and emotionally.

I order in dinner and he spoons out some peanut butter. The dogs begin to eat and I believe that things are calm.

Before my food can arrive he requests that I call an Uber car for him to go back to his parent’s house. 

I ask that he please wait for my food to arrive, that he need not sit with me, and he begrudgedly agrees.

I smile and order his car, pretending that there is no problem. 

He tells me:

• that he is worried about his father’s health.

• that he is worried about his health

• that he is afraid that if he stays any longer he will screw things up

Then he tells me how he’s certain that I will hold this against him later; I smile (holding back my true feelings) and tell him that everything is fine.

I wonder what he thinks…

Are we married for convenience? 

A failsafe for when his parents pass away? 

Does he even feel anything romantic towards me? 

Is this what ALMOST OVER feels like? 

When neither of us has the nerve to say: “Let’s be best friends?“.

Foolish Girl

The foolish girl believed that they were family. She felt comfortable enough to consider the woman her mother. What a childish notion.

She turned her back and when things became difficult the woman turned on her. The words were no longer soft and caring, rather they had sharp edges that cut at the girl’s bruised heart. Nobody was who they appeared to be; they never were at all.

Wait until his illness flairs up and they see what I’ve been dealing with for the past twenty years. Will they call me? Now that they’ve dismissed me, do I counter by walking away from helping them? Do I turn on them as they’ve turned on me?

Or, sit at home and feel the pain?