Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

Not Dull – Dull

A whirlwind of everything, everyone and anything

Colliding and forming into tornados

Earthquakes and tsunamis

Reality screams of dull boredom and sleepless nights

Like tonight 

It’s well past 3:00am; sleep eludes me

True happiness would never be mundane or so I am led to believe

Quiet dull of peace

Waves silently lick the shoreline, not a sound 

Except the mirage of happiness

  

I Let Go 

I let go and just spun into oblivion

There was nowhere else to be and so I though why not take the leap

It went mildly noticed 

But easily dismissed

I let go of my needs and wants 

Instead waiting and curling up no longer caring about myself 

Or much of anything else 

Anyone else

With few exceptions 

Taking solace in sleep, music, my sweet dog, an occasional encounter with my dear and the ugliness that is food

Otherwise, I’ve let go until I can find anything or anyone to hold onto

There is an ironic peace in letting go, in having no sense of self, no feeling but emptiness 

Freedom is letting go and not holding onto anything 

Closing your eyes and letting the silence wash over you

Alone

  

My Rules For Peace

IF EVER…

If ever I am going to find peace, than I must set down rules.  These rules, I have believed for far too long were for others to follow.  It has finally hit me over the head (like the cliche:  ton of bricks) that the rules must be MINE.  

My overall survival depends upon setting up RULES to live by; if not I will perish under the oppression of my captors.  Stockholm syndrome – whatever it may be – I must figure out a way to save myself from this constant barrage of self inflicted abuse.

My Rules For Peace:

1.  Say NO

2.  Ignore negativity

3.  Find out what makes me happy

4.  Look forward

5.  Do NOT accept pain

6.  Love myself enough to take care of ME

7.  Remember what my father would want for me; not what others want for me

8.  Selfish is NOT always bad

9.  Always choose the dog

10. Peace is possible

This is an evolving list, please feel free to add, comment and give me your thoughts – I need and am open to your input.

Butterflies are free –

One Moment

In this miserable deck of cards that I’ve been dealt; and chosen to do little to do little to change – I’m given occasional moments. Glimpses or reminders of why I wake in the morning. A quiet peek into the who do of hope. They are never great epiphanies, rather they are seconds or minutes of bliss. 

This morning, I woke long before my husband or my best friend. The house had a chill and so I opted for orange juice and a warm raisin bran muffin. Upon walking into my home office; there was my boy – my sweet hound, loyal best friend and soulmate – curled up like a baby on his enormous dog bed. I wanted to crawl up next to him but knew that would wake him, thus ruining his bliss. 

Jealous and pleased, I dimmed the light after about ten minutes of breathing in his peace.  Praying that I could breathe in just a bit of his serenity and warmth, it took everything in me NOT to take a photo. I couldn’t steal his joy. This was his moment, I was merely fortunate enough to stumble upon it.  

Preference

Ode to preference

What it must be like to have such a choice

The opportunity to make things happen by asking

Wishing

Poetry speaks 

Wasting no words

People such as myself should only be poets

Essay binds us

Turns our thoughts to babble

I’d love ice cream

Or a nap

To curl into my freshly made bed

The room – cool, quiet

Preference is for others

I accept what is left behind

Thankfully

Free

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