Showing Yourselves

The time has come and you are showing yourselves. You are two-faced, mean and ugly. 

I have been fooled by the magical illusion of a “family” that I would never truly be a member.

It is amazing how quickly you all have turned your backs on me. You tell lies and spin tales in an effort to make the reality appear far different than the truth. 

Betrayed. 

I am wounded and need to hide away until I feel strong and safe.

His family will hurt any chances that we have for reconciliation. They will get far too involved and break apart the possibilities. 

A wall has already been built that will never be torn down.

Me

It’s me, I’ve changed.
I’m sure that’s what must have happened.
It can’t be that ALL of them have changed.
So, fine it’s me.
Now what?

Now what do I do when it’s obvious that I can’t be around these people?
I can feel my blood boiling and my spoon hits the “frozen yogurt” in a last ditch effort to remain IN CONTROL while I wait for the *magic* to kick in. Ah, yes, if not for the *magic*, I’d probably explode into a rage.

Help me, oh gods of chocolate and *magic* – help me cope!!

Puzzle of the Day

Each day I am faced with a new puzzle. Today presents itself on the importance of being grateful.

Be grateful for all that you have because it is more than most and certainly greater than you deserve.

So always say; “Thank You“.

Note:
• Be thankful for the obvious that should be done without asking.
• Fall to your knees should something positive and out of the norm occur. “Thank you, over and again”.

Inversely, never expect thanks or gratitude. Such behavior infers that you are greedy. Greedy means that you are treated poorly. See, easy enough path to follow?

It’s a puzzle, you see.
• Have a sad story.
• Low expectations
• Be marginal in most tasks
And you are a Superstar!

When slapped in the face by the nastiest of family, smile!

Why?

Smile because then they won’t know the truth that is painted across their faces: “Selfish!”
It will drive them insane at your obvious disrespect.

Ask their opinion and then do whatever the hell you want.

These mini-monsters must be defused before their heads grow any larger!

Oh, I am a bitter child who has been pissed upon and than thanked the person for the opportunity. But NO more! My life and that of my only friend depends on me standing up and pointing out the liars, thieves, two-faced, wicked and plain cruel.

We walk in the ice chill of winter, with snow and huge chunks of ice around us. Does anyone care that my hands are cut and raw? How would they know?

Thank you for listening to my rant. You are kinder than most and far more understanding.

The Rules of Each Family: Karma, please

While I’m accused of not playing well with others, there are others who make up the rules as they go along. The same who stand in egotistical judgement of others, dare they!

It’s a game of chess where one cannot be assured who is the castle or king. I’ve grown tired of playing therefore I’ve stepped aside to allow them to drown before my very eyes. I will feign shock and horror as they cannot rise, all the while laughing at their poor manners; waiting to get the photos of their lovely time on the south of France while the Sharks bite at their feet.

Where is karma?

Haunted Video

Another quiet evening and I am forced into “organize mode“. This time it is the videos which should be transferred to DVDS. I start left to right, but end up just pulling them all out into a pile. There in the center are THREE copies of “Our Wedding Day: July 7, 2000“. White cover and ornate scroll, little tags “his family”, “her family” and “ours“; well I guess that spoke volumes. Still married fifteen and a half years later, I figure: “what the hell, let’s start here!”

Not “dated“, everyone is dressed as though it is 2015. “Black tie required” forces that kind of agelessness upon people – that and fee for rental for those mortals who do not own their own tuxedo. Heaven forbid!

The music is well-chosen and there are people who I no longer know not mixing with those who I wish would have attended. Figure it out.

Alas, the big moment! My soon to be husband awaits my solitary arrival. Faces from the past look back at me. It takes a few minutes for me to maneuver this cupcake of a dress on a cupcake of a woman down the aisle.

• Family stands
• Family speaks
• Candles are lit
• Vows are signed in pen
• Vows are said aloud
• Rings are exchanged
• A glass is shattered in thousands of pieces
• A slight cry from a baby
• Then the crowd rises and applauds
• We are wed!

WAIT!

The only baby is gone by this point in the evening! My Goddaughter was carried down the aisle and then shuttered away at least ten minutes earlier. There was a car waiting for them outside, I remember being disappointed that we couldn’t do more photos with her.
The photographers exact words: “your niece was almost home before you exchanged rings”.

I’m seriously losing my mind! I rewind the old VCR and play it again – YEP! Baby cries! A boy, I would bet money on it!

This is crazy, I should call somebody over to listen with me, but at this hour all I can do is use my iPhone to video the moments. I send it off to my friend in Haifa; a world away, she’ll be awake.

I wait…

Minutes go by and I head for the pantry for some carbohydrate intervention.

Then the SKYPE bell rings! Thank God!

She pops up like a flower and confirms it, a baby!! Was it a sign that I was pregnant? I certainly was not a virgin but definitely not with child.

My dear friend has been through TWO failed marriages and has a wonderful attitude about life. In her best lilted English she proclaims: “Shit! When you married him you also gave birth to him! There must be millions of old VCR tapes out there just like yours!” She’s hysterical laughing.

“You’ve found the holy grail – hide it!”

By this point, tears are pouring down her face and I’m beginning to believe her! I really did marry a child! This explains everything! I mean everything!

We chat for another forty minutes or so before we part for the day. The sun is coming up here and I choose to toss all of the tapes (the evidence) back on the shelf.

I sit in quiet retrospection; I married a child. We all do – or is it just some of us? Or just me?

Marriage is birth? Freudian horrors!

My Kids, I Miss You

In making a conscious decision not to have biological children, God gave me two amazing Godchildren. They are as much mine in my heart as if I bore them; but as I’m being reminded – I did not. The pain is crippling. The woman that never sheds a tear is openly crying over the cruel behavior of selfish adults.

What was it that I did wrong? I wanted to be the PERFECT daughter-in-law; care for your parents. You punish me in the cruelest of ways. Those children are NOT mine. I am NOT their mother – but God could not find a woman who loved them as much.

Please give them back because your slice from artery to artery has done its job.

Love is good and pure. Love isn’t competitive and a game. If need be, I will apologize for whatever you choose. Just say the word – set them free.

Distance

The Distance Widens

Spreading

An ocean

I barely see you

And Wonder if I ever saw

You:

A bitter forked tongue
No interest in my life

Except

How it effects yours

What is your secret? Obvious to me
Your disguise My disgust

CHRISTMAS 2014

Each year I go into the Holiday season with ZERO expectations and each year I am rewarded with being correct. Just once, one time, I’d love to be surprised by somebody.

Anybody.

Alas, I cannot complain because I predict the emptiness and being right is no victory. Crying is pointless right now, that will wait for my late night walk with my best friend.

I’ve got to make SERIOUS changes in my life. There is no way I want to live out my life in quiet disappointment.

Outside with my best friend, I can clear my head and plan my week leading up to the New Year.

There will be
• Long Lists
• Research
• Writing
• Organization
• Purging of things both physical and psychological

This is my ONLY LIFE and I am squandering it on people, places and things that simply do NOT matter. For all of his glories and flaws; my father LIVED.

NOW, I have to figure out how to make it MY TURN.

CHRISTMAS EVE

A child brought up without religion by two JEWISH parents who had pseudo-holidays; I am eternally out of place this time of year. I am doing my very best to smile and be chatty but am quite sure that I’m transparent.

The food is too rich and I feel as though I’m not dressed appropriately. A flower child that fled Wall Street, I’m hoping nobody notices that I’m hiding in the bathroom.

It’s 2:00am now and I’m out walking my dog. The rain has stopped and it feels good to get the cool air.

The night was no different than a hundred before:
• I feel painfully awkward and out of place with people I’ve known for almost eighteen years.
• Smile and act as though I’m fitting in; I am an expert.
• Come home and inevitably he will get very drunk.
• I will ignore everything, immerse myself in reading or writing
• Sleep on the sofa, close to my best friend – dreading tomorrow.

I did manage to take a “doggie bag”, so my boy ate like a King!

Protect Me

Aren’t YOU supposed to PROTECT me from harm; from hurt?
Wasn’t that part of the agreement – that we care and watch out for one another?
Put NOBODY else first?

PROTECT ME from those that treat me badly.
WATCH OVER ME when I am low and broken.
LOVE ME more than THEM.

You are not supposed to add to my loneliness and pain. There are a thousand backflips that I’ve done for you and your family; none are ever ENOUGH.

I am never ENOUGH.

Just smile and shut up,
Let their words leave no scars,
Don’t show your pain because they feed upon it.

You can blame me for whatever you choose. I am so much stronger than you know and far less connected than you can imagine.

Santa Fe….