Wasted Wishes 

Wasted wishes fall on deaf ears, there is nothing that can be done about his demons and I am hostage. 

Wasted wishes keep me awake at night and fill my growing body with unnecessary calories. Feed a broken soul.

Wasted wishes leave me alone with the exception of my loving dogs and I thank heaven for their love.

Wasted wishes are anxiety, panic and fear. 

Wasted wishes are life wasted.

Safety, I Scream

Each night the demons return, they scream and grip at my throat

Daylight, they hide in my head and heart. My body has become their cocoon.

I’ve done nothing so terrible to deserve this existence 

Spending each day repenting for sins others have committed leaves me exhausted

Bottles of different colored remedies do little for they cannot control my external life. 

Safety, I scream!

Night Terrors Day Terrors

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs save my desperate heart.

Please, peace from fear…

Mean

We are mean now. Using voices that sting. Words are thrown out at one another without regard for feeling. Resentment is a monster that we feed each time we speak.

He blames me.

I blame him.

While he sleeps (again), his friend watches television in the living room and I review a PowerPoint presentation for a possible new position. My head aches, I’m tired but FEAR the sleep demons and still haven’t organized my damn closet.

What happened in this house that appears too calm?

Selfish Fish Can’t Swim

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Fine, be that way.  You spend the ENTIRE day on the telephone playing games with your friends and then decide it is time for me to JUMP.  Screw you!  

I get a telephone call from the BIG interview from YESTERDAY asking me to return TOMORROW... Your response?  “That dress is frumpy.”

Then – once you have run out of friends to annoy, family to chat with and general bullshit:

“OH, you are on that computer again”.  

Where is my father!?  Where is the man that I can call and talk to about this new job?  Where is the person who would be all excited for me and tell me to research the CEO?  Where is the man who would say, “You need a compensation game plan!”?  No, I have nothing.  

My BEST friend can talk clothing with me and I love her for that very fact.  Otherwise, I call a friend: Ken, because he’s the closest thing to a male friend I am allowed to have now.  He’s busy and excited for me and promises to follow up.  I fire questions on him and he says, “I saw them today, said you ‘walked on water'”.  Good thing I cannot cry any longer. 

Game plan:

  • Wait as long as possible to walk the dog
  • Finish manicure
  • Print directions from ferry to meeting (OH LORD!)
  • Research CEO
  • Choose jewelry for dress tomorrow
  • Try not to eat entire container of ice cream (low fat – great)
  • Get to sleep by 2AM and wake by 5AM  
  • Shower and hair – dog walk IF necessary
  • Then take shuttle bus to ferry EXTREMELY EARLY
  • Be there better early than never
  • Pray
  • Interview
  • Cry
  • Figure out how in the hell to get to my psychiatrist ASAP

Save Me!

The monsters are devouring me alive.

I can feel them tearing my flesh from my body.

There is nothing I can do except pray for salvation.

Set me and my dog free; we cannot endure this torture.

I’ve played their games and done as told; I cannot fight any longer.

My soul has been torn to shreds.

The only thing keeping me grounded is my dog.

Save me!

The Man in the Mask

Once upon a time I knew you, I could predict what you’d say or want.  It was comfortable and safe.  I believed that you knew me as well; I was wrong on both beliefs.  I have NO idea who you are any longer.
downloadYou are the man in the mask who fooled me into believing that you were an angel; while right below the surface a demon was waiting for me to let my guard down.

And I let my guard down.  The demon came out and I have no interest in speaking with him, or being near him.  The demon is deaf though – he can only see and what he sees is a kaleidoscope rather than reality.

Where did you get this mask?  Were you always wearing it and I failed to notice?  You scare me now.  You speak to me in tones that are not laced with the love that I had imagined.  The very words which you use are offensive.  You speak to me like one of your buddies rather than your wife.

Did you know that you had a wife?  Of course.  Your wife takes care of your world and makes it easier.

Did you know that you were a husband?  I don’t believe so because you’ve yet to fill the shoes of others before you.  Despite endless conversations, you are ice that can throw off picks at will.  Your will is to destroy me.  Or to destroy yourself?

I don’t know you anymore.

You do not know me anymore.

What is a couple to do when the man takes off the mask and the demon makes himself known?  Is it fight or flight?  This is MY home, but you sleep in the master bedroom ALONE because I am with the dog, my only friend, on the sofa.  I am safe on the sofa, my sweet dog feels safe too.

You’ve changed.  I’ve changed.  There is so much of my life that you don’t know about any longer.  I don’t share my feelings or worries or joys.  We talk in terms that only you understand and when I don’t respond your ire comes out.  How dare you?

Of course I am hurt, alone and angry; the worst part is that I love you.