The Woman They Knew

The woman that they once knew has been gone for longer than anyone has noticed.  

As long as they are cared for, given proper attention and feel loved; the image of her does not have to match the reality.  

Ten thousand times the voices in her head are screaming her truth, but are silenced when they reach her bitter tongue.

Existing on a high wire of a magic and mirrors, desperate to be seen and discovered, far too many lean on her shattered shoulders.  

Dreaming of being held quietly and feeling safe are what keep her standing, when she can manage.

Someday there must be retribution or absolution.  

Arms that are strong enough to love her as she so deeply needs.  

Remembering the exact day: a Friday in October over six years ago, when she was hugged and felt real pure love.  

Since that day, heart in a million shards, she has never felt safe.

Lost, all those that were true and pure of heart.  

Angels waiting for her, watching her, a life of pain and loneliness.  

All around her, the woman they know is whomever they choose to see.  

Morphing when necessary.  

Still, knowing the desperation of being all alone in the world. 

A little girl, woman, waiting and wanting a fairytale for just “that hug” that will set her free of just some of the sadness. 

She smiles and listens to their veiled barbs and word attacks.

Nothing shakes her iron walls, quietly she weeps tears that nobody can possibly hear.

Songs fill the room of pain and empty words.

Eyes closed, heart broken and wishing the days away – the woman they know never existed.
  

Not Dull – Dull

A whirlwind of everything, everyone and anything

Colliding and forming into tornados

Earthquakes and tsunamis

Reality screams of dull boredom and sleepless nights

Like tonight 

It’s well past 3:00am; sleep eludes me

True happiness would never be mundane or so I am led to believe

Quiet dull of peace

Waves silently lick the shoreline, not a sound 

Except the mirage of happiness

  

How to Relax

Begin the day at 4:00am

Do laundry

Make lists

Pack four items

Make another list

Shower

Order in breakfast

Talk to psychiatrist 

Dress and prepare for day

Dread commentary from husband 

Meet neice and sister-in-law at ferry

Ferry

Ferry bus

Walk aimlessly to find a place for lunch

Eat lunch and pretend to be “present”

Walk in painful shoes 

Walk behind the two

Bergdorf Goodman

More walking behind

Spa time

Chatting and interacting

Wishing that I could fall asleep

Disappear

Take my medicine, ever so casually

I’m medicated and alone with spa girl

Fine

Texting with a “friend” while my “family” is elsewhere 

I hope to convince them that a taxi is the simplest way back to the ferry

Home is where I long to be 

Be at home

Napping

Or

Packing

Anywhere but learning “How to Relax” all by myself. 

Eggshells, Broken Glass and Hot Coals

This is my house and my life, I am self-destructing. My body betrays me. My head aches, limbs hurt and I cannot sleep for fear of losing my footing. 

I walk upon eggshells, broken glass and hot coals. People are broken this way – I am being broken. 

There isn’t much more that I can take. You do NOTHING except take care of yourself and play head games. While I work my ass off in preparation for this move. 

What if he WINS this game and I’m left shattered on the floor?  

Just a broken woman clutching her stuffed dog, crying and praying that she’s not heard. It’s not 6:00pm and my body yearns for sleep. I’ve been awake for almost THIRTEEN hours.  

Stressing, packing, thinking and hiding my emotions; for what else is there for me to do?  I cannot weep because it’s futile and nobody can hear me. I cry into an empty well. 

Eggshells, Broken Glass and Hot Coals. 

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts and I am all alone. 

There is nobody to help me, to hold me and make me feel alright. Damn those who promised to be there for me!  Liars!  

I don’t care their situations anymore; 

I am in pain. 

My heart hurts so much that it may break into a million pieces and you are cavalier. You only care about yourself and who comes to visit you tomorrow. 

I am left ALONE!

I’ve no clue what to do, what decision to make.  All that I know is that my heart quite literally HURTS.  I’ve never felt so helpless or hopeless before in my entire life. 

Cry and nobody hears me. You make demands, complain about the insignificant and expect my sympathy. 

Meanwhile, I lay awake trying to decide the fate of my soulmate. 

Screw you, I’m sick of not having reciprocal love. 

My heart hurts and it’s getting worse exponentionally.  

Please help me, dear God, to make the right decision. Help me, anyone, to know what to do. Help me, my sweet soulmate, to tell me when it’s time. 

Help me because my heart hurts. 

  MY SOULMATE


Give Up

What happens if I give up?  If I say, “screw you!” and take my things, my dog and walk away. If I don’t want to deal with this bullshit. If I give up!

I’m sick of being the strong one, the one we count on and piss on. The source of all things and then swallow my pride for everyone’s insanity. 

What about me?!  I give up!

I want my dog back. I want my shit life back. I will even take Wall Street back if that means that the constant pain stops. 

This is simply just too much for one human being to take alone

I am all alone. He has turned on me. If we are to stay together, I must build giant walls and hide behind them. Truth be told – I am an expert.  

Enough is enough; there is only so much a person can endure before they scream. 

I Give Up!

Why haven’t I cried?  

I’ve been on the verge of tears so many times but alas nothing. Perhaps each of us are allotted so many tears to shed and I’ve used mine. 

There are no tears left to fall from my bloodshot eyes. 

There is nothing left inside of me except loss and pain

I GIVE UP