Homeward Bound

  My father speaks to me through the CD player as we drive back home from our stay with HIS family. “Homeward Bound“, that was one of OUR songs. 

One of the hundreds of songs that I’ve avoided for far too long. 

My Dad is reminding me that I must NOT forget that I am a BUTTERFLY. “Me & Bobby McGee” plays now and my boys flutter by a blaze of color. 

They give me solace and push me forward. 

Don’t let go! No matter what life holds for you when you return home; do NOT give up. 

Find your colors engulf yourself in their rainbows. 

Never allow the showers to drain the colors. 

No person (my angels and butterflies sing) shall ever have that power again. 

Be a BUTTERFLY!

Homeward bound and into the arms of waiting butterflies and angels to guide me and show me way. 

Thank you Daddy. 

I love you, always. 

  

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I Failed You

Dear Judy,

Beautiful departed butterfly; I have failed you after one day. 

Empowered by your life force and spirit, I’ve allowed him to squash the caterpillar once again. 

Dreams of following in your kaliedascope of a life. Fantasies of being loved and enjoyed are torn to bits by the one person who should lift me higher. 

Instead, he runs errands with his father while I sit in the cocoon and cry.  The pain and emptiness you never showed are all that I exude. 

I picture Woodstock, wild flowers and floating breezes. Instead, I am chained to New York City (the place I hate the most by far) for a day at a spa, dinner and a night at a hotel. 

Misery – not freedom. 

Of course. 

  

Maybe Life

Maybe there is a life without any purpose. An existence where you’ve simply given up. Who is to judge that life?  

Who is to expect more from you than merely waking in the morning – filling the day – and finding blessed sleep early at night?

A thousand excuses, of course. I’ve given up, haven’t you realized that yet?  

There has been too much pain and loss; I am but a shell. Pushing me is futile as you cannot move that which has chosen to remain in one spot. 

I cannot handle another loss. Let me live out my days in quiet pain – so I am the last. 

For You

For you, I have lied and given away my life. You do not notice, are not thankful or even care. It’s expected. 

For you, I’ve made endless sacrifices which have ended in my own loneliness.  My anger grows like weeds. 

For you, I’ve tolerated what few would allow. I have lost all boundaries and my heart knows no better. 

For you, I will sit in a room tomorrow and lie in order to free you from the hospital. Bring you back to a home that is mine and allow you destroy my serenity. 

For you, I have given my heart and soul and my life. There is “me” or even an “us”; there is only “you”. 

For you, I will live out my days in quiet desperation. Perhaps going back to work – or take classes to save what is left of my sanity. 

IF the tables were turned, what would you do for me?  Would you serve in battle for me?  Be there each day and listen to my cruel and arrogant rants OR would you go on with your own life?

For you, I believe that I would alone. 

  

Hideaway

Perhaps I will turn my home into a hideaway. 

A place that is safe just for me. 

Home, where nobody tells me what to do or how to live my life. 

Hideaway where there are butterflies, flowers and puppies. Where all of those that I love – past and present – are whole and happy. 

This nirvana would only have joy, all of the negativity that has plagued the garden will disappear. 

My happiness will matter to me. 

My happiness will matter to others. 

A dreamer. 

A hideaway that exists only inside of my mind and scrolled on pieces of paper. 

An orchid blooms too. 

HELP!

I am beyond exhausted and overwhelmed.

HELP!

My body and brain betray me to the point of no return. 

HELP!

I’ve nowhere to turn and no one to turn to in order to guide me or hold my hand; let alone hug me. 

HELP!

What now?  Now that I’ve reached the end of my rope and all that he does is tie more knots?

HELP’

Are there solutions for a girl like me?  Alone, no family of her own, simply memories.  

HELP!

Maybe I spend the rest of my days counting down. Wondering what would have, could have, might have been. 

HELP!

Or I simply close my eyes and hold onto my past and dream of a future that will never come to fruition. 

HELPLESS…

Mixed Nuts

Alone in my head with all of my thoughts on guard and keeping up my mind sharp. 

Mixed nuts. 

Surrounded by conversations that are laced with contradictions, I am on my own. 

Mixed nuts. 

What does a girl like me do under these circumstances?  Are there rules? Even a guide – doubtful

Mixed nuts. 

Exhausted and nervous, told to “be kind” by the same man who said he would “fire me” if he knew me twenty years ago. 

Mixed nuts. 

Now all I see are empty boxes and a full garage, far too much to do ALONE.  Knowing that is how things will continue – on my own. 

Masochist, I am told. 

Mixed nuts.