Wasted Wishes 

Wasted wishes fall on deaf ears, there is nothing that can be done about his demons and I am hostage. 

Wasted wishes keep me awake at night and fill my growing body with unnecessary calories. Feed a broken soul.

Wasted wishes leave me alone with the exception of my loving dogs and I thank heaven for their love.

Wasted wishes are anxiety, panic and fear. 

Wasted wishes are life wasted.

Her Father’s Daughter: A Short Story (in progress) – Preface & The First Step 

Her Father’s Daughter: A Short Story in progress

Preface:

She walks in his well-worn shoes and is not conscience of the great parallels of their lives.  

In her mind he is a myth: brilliant, perfect and strong; a memory that she clings on to each day for survival.  

In her world his flaws, obvious but always forgiven, are overlooked because his love for her overshadowed them by far.

Too proud that she carries many of his traits, it is of surprise when she realizes that his darkness so closely resembles her own.

Her father died far too young with a simple few years of true freedom, if that at all.

Expectations. Did she fulfill his and did he live up to his own?

Did he ever resolve his sense of obligation? Would she?

On a cold January afternoon she sits perfectly still as the ferry bounces up and down along the choppy Hudson River.  

Once again her mind filled with unanswered questions.

Step One:

This session left her questioning her mortality; the quality of the shrinking years of her life. 

Hearing the reality: “you’ve probably got thirty years left – twenty where you can do anything you want” left her breathless.

What was she waiting for, her father lived within the same self-imposed confines but managed to find sorted joy. How?

Where was her joy?!

Her love of dogs, now a source of pain and loss, compartmentalized. “I can’t – not until – what if“. 

Each and every day missing the unconditional love in her world of piercing emptiness; it would never be “the right time“.

Staring out at the fog as ferry ride turned Manhattan into a fading illusion, she screamed.

Before she lay her head on the pillow that night, she had adopted fraternal twin basset hounds. 

Heart bursting with excitement, the boys would arrive by the end of the month. Is this joy?

The ridiculous happiness that she believed could never be replicated, the warm smell of ears and paws, it was going to happen again!

A life filled with guilt, self-loathing and almost void of the flutter of love; how did this happen? 

Childhood memories of her “perfect” father’s face when he thought no one was looking was now a mirror of her own self-sacrifice. 

He adored her dogs almost as much as she did; they gave her comfort every moment of each day before and especially after he passed. 

Waiting was not an option. She looked down at her feet and his shoes – it must be time to stop punishing herself for unknown crimes.

Just as he adjusted by the decade in order to survive, it occurred to her that she could walk barefoot in the grass. No shoes – his or mine. 

The romping of two excited hounds and a barefoot girl, imagine: no guilt. 

Be Happy“: Her father’s mantra repeated time and again since she was a child.  Because there was no example she invented masks to fulfill his edict. 

Hearing his words, she had an overwhelming secret guilt in any happiness that was exclusively hers. 

Get Rid of the Guilt!“, her doctor had said week after month and year. His words filled the quiet office, he spoke in a language foreign to his patient. 

And so…

Days later, despite commentary, lack of help or mutual excitement; she knew it was right. She was due.

These sweet dogs would help her untie the first notch of the self-imposed noose. The noose; a painful and cumbersome necklace she’d worn for almost as long as she could recall. 

Yes, slightly loosened: Small Step One.

  

Step One: The Boys!

Retrospection

2010 was the worst year of my life. That was the year that I lost my father. 

In many ways we died together.

2015 is coming to a close as a strong number two. 

I lost my soulmate and my heart remains heavy. 

Then his sickness exploded: my husband has been paranoid and psychotic for the past nine months, with no end in sight.

My depression and misery, coupled with bone-chilling anxiety are impossible to hide.  Living with a man who can, and does, turn on me verbally at any moment is crippling. 

Resolutions for 2016 are futile. 

If I were to dare to have one, my resolution would be: freedom.

Disappear 2015 and pray that 2016 will be silent.

  

Sweet Exhausted Bliss

I am exhausted from early morning long walks, midday walks and late night walks. 

It is pure bliss!

My husband is at his wits end and does not know what to do. 

If I am out of the house for one minute, my sweet hound barks like crazy. 

He NEEDS me; I haven’t felt this loved and exhausted in a GOOD way – in I cannot recall how long. 

If I cannot leave the house for months:  FINE!

He loves me and makes me feel needed and loved in a pure puppy love way. 

And my poor dear husband who has ignored me for more months than not is tripping over himself to figure out what to do. 

I smile secretly. 

Sweet exhaustion. 

  

Nothing to Say

I fear that I am empty

There is nothing left of me but time.  

The acceptance that my days will be spent as a butterfly who is a caretaker – never free

Nothing left to say.

Imagine, this blog is more than I can emote. 

Do I have anything to say? Worth listening to any longer…

Who wants to hear the words of a caged butterfly?

NOW

• The smallest chore overwhelms me

• Laundry piles up, both clean and dirty

• The bed goes unmade although it bothers me 

• I’ve given up on so much, there will never be a novel or even a short story

• My weight will always remain unmanageable 

A lost friend has been discovered and I wonder how long before she disappears

Nothing to say – I pray for the tides to turn. For my friend to stay with me; for me to bond and work on being connected. 

Otherwise, empty. 

A caged butterfly. 

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Someone Saved My Life Tonight 

Written by:

Elton John & Bernie Taupin 

Lyrics

When I think of those east end lights, muggy nights

The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs

Prima donna lord you really should have been there

Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair

And it’s one more beer

And I don’t hear you anymore

We’ve all gone crazy lately

My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear

You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you dear

You nearly had me roped and tied

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom whispered in my ear

You’re a butterfly

And butterflies are free to fly

Fly away, high away, bye bye

I never realized the passing hours

Of evening showers

A slip noose hanging, in my darkest dreams

I’m strangled by your haunted social scene

Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen

It’s four o’clock in the morning

Damn it! listen to me good

I’m sleeping with myself tonight

Saved in time, thank god my music’s still alive
And someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear

You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you dear

You nearly had me roped and tied

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom whispered in my ear

You’re a butterfly

And butterflies are free to fly

Fly away, high away bye bye

And I would have walked head on into the deep end the river

Clinging to your stocks and bonds

Paying your h.p. demands forever

They’re coming in the morning with a truck to take me home

Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight

So save your strength and run the field you play alone
And someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear

You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you dear

You nearly had me roped and tied

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom whispered in my ear

You’re a butterfly

And butterflies are free to fly

Fly away, high away, bye bye

Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight

Link to Someone Saved My Life Tonight

*ONE SONG CAN CHANGE A LIFE*