My Confession: Up and Down

My Confession, Up and Down

It’s unclear to me whether his moods, or if his constant barbs and words are part of his illness or just who I married.  In all reality his ups and downs are likely a combination of the two. 

No matter the reason, it is painful when he makes insinuations that he won’t explain.  He makes cold and hurtful statements that he refuses to tell me what they mean.

I am a target he can toy with and never expects repercussions.

My Confession, the Paranoia

Schitzoaffective disorder is accompanied by the gift the never ends: paranoia. It is with him at all times, sometimes just a small buzzing and other times a loud siren. Today the siren is low but very present. 

At lunch he proclaimed; “if anything happens to me, you have to sue the hospital, my doctor and my dentist“. When I asked the obvious question: “what am I suing for?” – he was frustrated and retorted “you know“.  

I do not know.


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