My Confession: No Sleep

My Confession: No Sleep

It is nearly 8:00am and I have not slept. My mind refuses to allow any rest. 

The truth about being married to a man who will never be “whole” is that my burden is often overwhelming. While there have been months where I was able to relax – those days are in the past. 

A person with schitzoaffective disorder is sadly dependent. Luckily, my dear spouse found a woman bred to be a care-taker. 

Thank you Dad, I love you always, despite this cursed gift.

Illusions:  Inside and Out

Outwardly, he may appear to be in control, social and helpful. All the while the delusions rage inside of his mind. 

Outwardly, he may speak in impossibilities: conspiracies and secret tests done against his will. All the while the delusions have bloomed into madness.

There are days and nights where we laugh and talk for hours. He can be kind, understanding and the man I imagine to be a permanent gift.  I keep those memories in my mind’s vault for when the tides turn against me.

There are days and nights where he accuses me of ridiculous crimes of betrayal. His words are shards of glass that embed beneath my skin. I do my best to remember that it is his “illness” alas, his words are kept in another vault in my mind.

At 5:00pm

At 5:00pm he tumbles out of the bedroom. He has been awake on and off today, albeit mostly off

He chose to double one of his medicines last night because he had not drank alcohol in three days. There is a correlation somewhere but I don’t even begin to inquire.

My day and mood has been, best described as “manic anxiety“. Hours on the Internet, shopping, straightening the clean house…

Despite my prescribed Valium, I still have not slept since the night before last. This cannot continue tonight, my body is cold and shaking, weak from lack of rest yet fueled by the compulsion to “fix and finish everything“. 

I am such a good codependent! 

It’s a trait that others adore and I despise. 

Being the spouse of a man with a severe mental illness is never easy. I am forever waiting, anticipating and doing my best to enjoy what is tossed my way.


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