Save me from the MONSTER that I fear.
He is relentless and cruel. His brutality comes in many forms; from barbed wire comments, long psychotic rants and insane declarations.
All the while I choose to hold myself hostage.
It has been a horrific six years; there has been loss and erosion that can never be repaired. I’ve allowed the MONSTER to grow and ravage my life because of some sick sense of guilt from a thousand sources.
Self-loathing – perhaps what keeps me alive. Shaking as I write, feeling ice-cold and stomach in knots, my brain is a treadmill that never stops.
Sweet freedom is a mirage that gets further away as my eyes play tricks on me. Could it all be my fault, my failure? Mother Theresa I am not.
I love and give with a full heart that is shattered and broken. Little is reciprocated in any way that brings warmth to my still frigid and trembeling body.
I dread this day and wait for the MONSTER to waken. There is no way of knowing of his incarnation today or any other.
I remain on this chair, writing and filled with vicious anxiety, listening to my heart beat all too quickly.
Truthfully, this is the ONE thing that ONLY I can do; damn these shackles and anchor!
Only I, alone, can save me.