Fear

This is what fear looks like:

• Waking up and counting the hours until you can go back to sleep. 

• Not remembering if you showered yesterday. 

• Knowing your husband’s shadowy moods will dictate your day.

• Wishing you had just one friend. 

• Feeling hunger and getting sick after each attempt at eating. 

• Making lists that – wait, you’ve stopped making lists. 

• The writer in your soul has been lost amongst the darkness. 

• Hating the medication. 

• Missing those that I’ve lost but never speaking a word. 

• Desperately wanting to scream – but keeping silent instead. 

• Looking for a higher power because everything and everyone on Earth has failed you. 

• Cursing the darkness and shaking in terror when you are alone. 

• Being finished talking about “it” and what you should or should not be doing. 

• Crying endlessly alone on the inside and acting without pain on the outside. 

• Constantly thinking, “Please send me a direction and I need a friend”. 

• Living in his shadow, wanting what is best for him and fearing the worst at every turn. 

• Praying that you’ve got the right combination of medication to sleep a full twelve hours. 

This is what fear looks like. 

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