I lay beside you with my eyes closed tight and I hold my breath. What has happened to us – or is just to me? Do you feel the change or am I in this all by myself, eyes closed tight. If I could recall when I began loathing myself than perhaps this riddle could be solved. If it were all about me and my eyes closed tight; but I fear that it is not.
Our “team earth seeds” were meant to be planted in rich soil, tended to properly and grow into a kaliedascope of flowers. We had all of the necessary ingredients with the exception of the two. We became two teams of one, each quietly bending towards the dark of the moon rather than the brightness of the sunlight. Eyes closed tight, each of us had totally different views of our garden; they were nothing alike. After a while, nobody even bothered to keep the bugs from devouring what was left of the most magnificent of final few.
Eyes closed tight, we both listened to what was either the smoke detector alerting us that the battery was failing OR that there was carbon monoxide in our house. I told him that I was not tall enough (even with a chair) to see the device. Eyes closed tight, he rolled over. I opened the balcony door and the noise stopped. Was it the battery or the air?
This morning as I prepare to go out with a friend, I clearly say: do NOT smoke in the house. I explain last night’s scenario and he pretends to hear me. I will leave him a note and wake him again before my departure; praying that just for once, his eyes WILL NOT be closed tight.
Fighting my instinct to fail my friend and babysit my sleeping husband. Doing everything I can to find some happiness. To find safety instead of having to wear a mask, a shell or carry my walls.
Eyes closed tight.