I am frightened. And panicked. This is not what I imagined. But you knew, didn’t you? I’ve made my bed and now I live with a man who is paranoid and delusional. Who makes me feel inadequate, weak and frightened. All of the things you engrained in me NEVER to be: broken.
Homeless, no family, few friends and still mourning those that I loved. I am wishing that I could run away and hide in your house in Nevada. Wake up watching the roaring orange sun rise above Red Rock Canyon. Pad down the stairs to see you reading The Wall Street Journal and watching CNBC. safety is only a memory. I live in fear and panic now.
Dear Daddy, can you see me? Feel the agony that runs through my veins. The raw pain of losing my baby boy, my sweet hound, just one month ago? I still ache with a crippling pain for him. Cry with a sound of a howling that is reminiscent of a wounded animal. Fear not, I never let anyone hear my pain. I’ve learned (from you) that it is important to build one thousand foot walls to hide my hurt.
My husband unravels and I am powerless. I’ve nothing to do but keep working at getting all of the work done for our move. Thankfully, his friend has stopped by our house, therefore I am allowed some “free” time to emote. To attempt to transfer my anxiety and hysteria from my shaking body onto this blog abyss.
I wonder if I am all alone. Are there other women like me? Who are orphans. Who have lost everyone they’ve ever loved. Who live in panic, fear and fearing that they will never find freedom.
Or am I all alone in this world – bound and gagged to a life that dear Daddy warned me about fifteen years ago.