If, A Post Gone Off Course

He never told me what to do “If“; and here I am crippled without anyone to lean upon. 

My body is shaking and I’ve become so very solitary that there is no one to scream out: “help“. 

And get a true response. 

The reality is that I probably would not have allowed him to see me so weak, broken. 

If” he were still, I would be forced to rise to do everything for fear of disappointing him. 

Despite my crippling fears, my panic and feelings as though I might pass out; for him “If” I’d pretend. 

I wonder whether that makes our relationship strong or weak; true or false? Not that it matters any longer. 

If” he were to see me in such a state it would be – well, it simply would not be. 

I would never allow it; he would never see me shattered like a glass dropped from the top of a staircase. 

Anytime he would experience my fragility it was via the telephone, letter or email – never in person. 

If” I were vulnerable in front of him than it would be too much of a reflection; and we would never allow such a thing. 

If” I was to be his child than I must be strong.  

All that I ever wanted to be was his daughter, no “If’s” about it. 

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