He never told me what to do “If“; and here I am crippled without anyone to lean upon.
My body is shaking and I’ve become so very solitary that there is no one to scream out: “help“.
And get a true response.
The reality is that I probably would not have allowed him to see me so weak, broken.
“If” he were still, I would be forced to rise to do everything for fear of disappointing him.
Despite my crippling fears, my panic and feelings as though I might pass out; for him “If” I’d pretend.
I wonder whether that makes our relationship strong or weak; true or false? Not that it matters any longer.
“If” he were to see me in such a state it would be – well, it simply would not be.
I would never allow it; he would never see me shattered like a glass dropped from the top of a staircase.
Anytime he would experience my fragility it was via the telephone, letter or email – never in person.
“If” I were vulnerable in front of him than it would be too much of a reflection; and we would never allow such a thing.
“If” I was to be his child than I must be strong.
All that I ever wanted to be was his daughter, no “If’s” about it.