WARNING: DISILLUSIONED ADULT SEARCHING FOR HAPPINESS
Somewhere there must be a place where people understand me.
Occasionally I will get a glimpse at that place and my heart fills with butterflies and before I know it – I have forgotten what I am seeking.
i celebrated the birth of my sister/cousin; she is not physically here to celebrate with me. She is probably off somewhere with my father celebrating on her own. We went to our usual Saturday dinner with my kind and caring (albeit sometimes intrusive) in-laws. For dessert, I insisted that we share ONE piece of cheesecake. It was her favorite and I needed to do it. My mom-in-law was all for it. My father-in-law was not phased. My husband made it clear that it was ridiculous. When we ordered the cake, he refused to take a bite in honor of a woman we all loved dearly. Somebody who came to my aid when I needed her and always would; and he wouldn’t take a bite of the damn cake. Finally after I believe his mother dug the heel of her shoe into his foot – he agreed to take a bite. The bastard turned to the waiter and ordered an entire slice for himself. We came home, I walked my dog and then proceeded to get very ill from dinner – and the cake. Why is it that some people get it and others simply do not?!
I celebrated the birth of my baby (he’s a basset hound – but my son all the same). He turned ten and I bought special toys and food and planned on doing little Twinkies with a candle. Just like we ALWAYS do every year for our dogs. But since we lost our other baby last year, I am on my own. No Twinkies or singing (OK, I sang); and no photos to make me smile.
I would like to smile again.
Over the past ten years since I’ve had my boy, and the six and a half that we had our other; I would imagine that we have spent thousands of dollars on gifts for our nieces and nephews. I know he is a dog. But maybe a text? Is that a lot to ask of people who ask everything of me? Of people who I spent time looking for “nut free” candy to give them tomorrow at a dinner party I am dreading…
Somewhere – Someday
I will be less sensitive, and get hurt far less.
I won’t be lonely or sad
I will leave behind all of this anxiety and nervousness.
That is why I take my “baby” for three and a half hour walks over the course of the day; to find that peace. When he and I are walking along the banks of the Hudson and I can write or talk out loud to him about how I am feeling (trust me, more people do this than you know!); is my solace.
Someday I will have figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I saw a beautiful butterfly today, a Monarch.
When he glided by, I said, “hello Dad, I love you too”.
“Just when the caterpillar thought that the world might end, he became a butterfly” – Right, Dad?