We Seek What We Kniw

I am THE textbook case of:
WE SEEK WHAT WE KNOW!

This is psychology 101 stuff really; the child of monsters seeks out as many other monsters as possible.

That’s me!

I was raised by monsters who turned me into a complete mess both inside and out. These two very different monsters chose to impart all of their insanity upon me, and so I’ve become a magnet for anyone who can hurt me.
Note:
• Not physically, unless you count the food binges.
• Most certainly emotionally, I’ve gotten the crap kicked out of me – and then some!

It’s fine.
I chose this life and these assorted monsters. I’m no martyr or saint. I must enjoy the constant pain or I would do something about it.

Again from Psych 101: I’m a masochist.
I was once told that I was a narcissist because I invite agony in order to become the center of the drama. This theory, while good on paper, was false in reality. I DESPISE the drama more than anyone can imagine. The drama and the stress which all of the monsters bring along with them are breaking my soul – quickly.

Thankfully, I am properly medicated and believe that my dog is my son – or I would really be in trouble!
This sweet hound of mine has saved my life a million times. I wonder if he knows? Maybe that’s why he’s here with me, God sent me a life preserver.

Where have I heard that before?

Now I know!

My sister believed the exact same thing about dogs and love and survival. She had a tiny rat terrier named Tikva. She told me the name was Hebrew for HOPE and that her dog was “her life preserver“. We spoke about how she literally LIVED FOR TIKVA – HOPE.

Tomorrow should have been a big birthday party for her. I would invite her and my Dad over to the house. I would stay awake all night planning and cleaning, making everything PERFECT.
They would arrive separately but on time. The dogs would play together nicely while, as always as sisters we would beg for my father’s attention.
We would have cheesecake of all different flavors because that was her favorite, and his. There would be laughter and talk from the entire spectrum: from the stock market, dogs versus cats, to the importance of being true to yourself. Hypocrisy? Absolutely! Who cares?

There will be no party tomorrow, no cheesecake, no Dad, I’ve no idea where Tikva is now. She couldn’t take the fierce monsters any longer.
Rather than continue to battle, last Spring she decided to leave.

She literally walked away…

Now she is with my Dad and my other sweet dog; leaving me down here all alone (except for my life preserver).
I loved her so much and she walked off a building on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Spring of 2013. I can’t decide who is more selfish, her for leaving or me for being angry and hurt by her departure.

I live amongst the assorted monsters and for the most part I can get by without losing my mind or surrendering my soul. I’ve got my father’s strength and determination. It is up to me to extricate myself from the monsters. The obvious ones, with their fangs showing, dripping with blood. And the truly frightening monsters; the ones who paint their faces and wear elaborate costumes to deceive me.

I sought out relationships where I am the care-taker and get little to no praise or appreciation. Out of millions of people, I attract or am attracted to monsters.

I can burn white sage, scream and cry, or beg for mercy; none of it matters. When the monsters creep into my life at the worst possible moments, I am crippled. I look to my little dog, my life preserver, and thank heaven for him.

My true soulmate.

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