Warning: Self-loathing and Self-Pity Ahead
There is very little that I do that seems to work out as planned. Inevitably I ruin, on some level, almost everything that I touch.
While I perceive that I am doing the “right thing”, it is wrong.
There is something in my brain that does not connect to others. Hence, my best friend is my dog. My husband uses and tolerates me because of his own insecurities; our platonic marriage.
I am far too sensitive and at the same time extremely controlling. Or at least that is what the judge and jury have ruled.
Having grown up without a normal family dynamic, it’s obvious: In my efforts to please everyone – I fail time and time again.
Now I am alienated and my fight or flight instinct is screaming: FLY AWAY!! I am responsible there is no other way to explain my inability to have a relationship with “family”; albeit his or mine.
I’ve turned this over in my mind for hours and all I’ve managed is to find myself painfully sick.
Alone and eternally lost.