Changes – Kiss Off

Change – the late 80’s was different for me. I was somebody that you wouldn’t recognize and while there are parts of that girl I am happy to have shed; I miss her…

I went to college in a era where there was more less fear and anger. We were children of privilege who had no clue what was ahead of us. In retrospect, we had a sense of possibility and blind entitlement that I envy. Our group, we knew that we were going to turn out different. My college experience was nothing like those of the people I know now. I don’t see or speak to my college friends, we attempted it once or twice but the Violent Femmes didn’t resonate with business cards and impractical boots.

Those who were brave enough to cling to their dreams, I hope they found them. So many talented people with no idea what the world had coming our way.

A million years ago, I wore black because it was the cloak of an artist rather than to slim out what Spanx no longer can hide. We drank in clubs where there where beautiful men came to be with other beautiful men. The chubby girls danced and dreamed, only to find themselves alone at the end of the night their lovers were the local delivery services rather than what they truly desired. There were times when we would fall into the beautiful men’s drunken arms and wake in their beds but like so much of that time it was quickly forgotten.

We would walk out of after-hours clubs, blinded by daylight and wonder where we had parked our father’s cars. Stupid to the point of dangerous and not knowing that our entire lives wouldn’t be as simple.

Not one of us thought of what was next. A cluster of us, summertime in Europe and failing to appreciate the incredible gifts. Idealism and capitalism were at odds, clashing as we used our father’s credit cards to buy art supplies that would be left behind at parks and dorms we would never recall. No thought or even a question of how we might pay for a lifestyle none of us had worked for yet enjoyed.

The woman I look at in the mirror can barely recall her former self. All I know is that I am sure that in losing her, I lost something very important.

David Bowie sang, “Changes” and in a haze of cloves we’d sing along.

Later, in the darker times, I could spit out the lyrics “you can all just kiss off…” the Violent Femmes: you had to be there.

I am going to resurrect part of that stupid girl with no clue and no cares. She could not simply have disappeared, when I find her I will hold her close and sing with her. Let her back into my life because the woman who wears my skin now is a shadow of her own expectations.

“I take one…”

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